


Rewind

by lizvitello



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Friends to Lovers, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2018-10-27 17:03:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10813158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizvitello/pseuds/lizvitello
Summary: "I remember that night..."John can feel his heart breaking and see his life declining more and more the closer it gets to Eliza and Alexander's wedding day. Even his few moments of happiness are darkened by nostalgia for similar moments from the past. Because back then, it didn't hurt to love Alex like it does now.





	1. Chapter 1: Since We Were 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I wanna love like you made me feel when we were 18"

As John sat up, all five of his senses groaned as loudly as he did. His eyes cringed at the sun glaring through the living room window. The sound of someone slamming their apartment door sent knives into his temples. His skin felt sticky and sweaty. He nearly repeated the action he had done at some point when he tasted the lingering taste of vomit in his mouth. He could also smell the vomit quite clearly since the trash can full of it was right next to him.

His hungover brain could only process three things: he drank a lot more than usual last night, he had been sober enough to think of putting a trash can near the couch, and he had _not_ been sober enough to end up passing out on said couch. He didn't feel like remembering exactly why he had gotten hammered last night, he just knew he had to get the taste of puke out of his mouth. 

Every muscle, bone, and nerve in his body protested when he sat up from his position on the ground, but he still managed to stumble into the kitchen without collapsing. He turned on the coffee maker and swallowed a couple ibuprofen with water, dulling the acidic taste slightly. As he waited for his coffee to be done, he bent over against the counter and buried his head in his arms. The sun glaring in from the kitchen window was making his eyes sting, and the lack of sleep from the night before was settling in. 

Once his coffee was done, John trudged to his room and fell onto his bed after closing the blinds. His room was dark, and his bed felt a hundred times better than the hard floor he had been sleeping on last night. He wished that he could fall back asleep, but the migraine pulsing in his head stopped him from doing so.

He pressed his face into his pillow after taking a few sips of coffee, and tried to to remember what had caused him to get so drunk last night. It wasn't until his phone buzzed and he saw that he had a text from Alexander, that he remembered.

He remembered going to the Schuyler mansion for dinner upon Eliza's invitation. He had the feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach throughout the whole dinner, already slightly knowing why they were there.

Over the five months or so of Eliza and Alexander dating, he had learned to ignore the way that they acted around each other. The way Eliza would lay her head on his shoulder after laughing, and the way Alex would smile at her lovingly. When they would do things like this, John would stare at anything but them until the aching in his chest subsided. Their PDA seemed to be more than usual that night, and John was finding it hard to ignore.

When Alexander stood up to make an announcement, John's heart sank to somewhere between his ribs, because he already knew what he was going to say. He didn't have to look at Eliza's hand or listen to what Alex was saying because he already knew. He had to feign interest when Eliza pulled up the video of Alex proposing, even though it made him sick to his stomach to watch.

For the rest of dinner, he had picked at his food and ignored Herc and Laf's concerned glances. Like everyone else, he hugged both Eliza and Alex, congratulating them before leaving. As he walked to his car, John tried not to linger on the fact that Alex had barely hugged him before going back to touching Eliza in some way.

Hercules stopped him before he got to his car, "John, look at me, are you alright?"

"I'm fine," He replied gruffly, and quickly got in his car. John appreciated his concern, but the only thing he wanted to focus on was getting Alexander's engagement out of his mind.

The memory of the night before still made John's chest feel tight, and he tried to push it out of his head, but Alex was the only thing he thought about most of the time. Even now, he couldn't even try to sleep without Alex interrupting his thoughts by texting him.

_Ham Hot Damn: Can you leave the front door unlocked? I accidentally left my keys at Eliza's_

Yeah, John really needed to get around to changing Alex's contact name that he had set for himself.

John groaned as he rolled out of bed, stumbling back to the living room to unlock the apartment door. After unlocking the door, he curled up in the recliner and attempted to fall asleep again.

He was just drifting off when the front door slammed, and he snapped back awake to see Alex walking in. John hated how stupidly his mood immediately lifted whenever he saw him, but it was better than the depression that sunk in when he wasn't there.

"Hey," Alex greeted with a small smile, then wrinkled his nose, "sweet Jesus, what is that smell?"

"Shit." John muttered when he realized he hadn't ever emptied the trash can full of his puke next to the couch.

"Are you sick?" Alex asked once he too found the source of the smell.

John shook his head, "just hungover. Sorry I forgot to toss the trash bag."

"It's alright," Alex replied and grabbed the two handles of the trash bag, heading for the front door to take it to the dumpsters.

"I can take that out," John said, but didn't make a move to get up.

Alex rolled his eyes, but grinned, "I've got it."

John smiled slightly, and stood up to move to the couch and wrap himself in the blanket hanging over the back. His head still hurt and his stomach still felt queasy, but his sadness faded whenever it was just him and Alex.

Alex shivered slightly as he sat down on the opposite end of the L-shaped couch once he came back upstairs, and John grinned at him.

"Heads or tails?" He asked, and Alex mirrored his smile.

"Heads." He replied, and John smiled even wider, even though it hurt his head.

John moved and lied down on his stomach so that his head was now in Alex's lap. Alex adjusted the blanket to cover John's back completely, and began running his fingers through his curls.

The Heads or Tails game was something John had come up with a few years ago as a joke, but had become a consistent thing. Alex always chose heads every time that John (rather frequently) asked, and would absentmindedly play with John's curls while his head was in his lap. John would choose tails every time that Alex rarely asked, rubbing away the tension in his boney ankles when he was stressed more than usual.

John lazily picked at a loose thread on Alex's grey sweatpants as Alex dulled his headache by running his fingers through his hair and rubbing his temples slightly. Alex's fingers were cold, but it didn't bother John since Alex's hands were always cold.

"So why'd you get drunk last night?" Alex asked, and John's heart and fingers both halted.

_Because you getting engaged really means that I have no chance at ever being with you._

"I was bored," John lied through his teeth, and Alex laughed. "Don't laugh too loud, I've got a killer headache."

"Sorry," Alex whispered, and went back to rubbing his temples.

John sighed in content, and squeezed Alex's calf before letting his eyes flutter shut.

~

John woke up a while later with less of a headache, and his head resting on a pillow instead of Alex's thighs. He yawned widely and stretched his arms over his head, before letting them fall down. He felt more well rested than before, but still sleepy. Just as he sat up, Alex walked back into the living room from the kitchen.

Alex grinned at John's sleepy appearance, "cute hair."

John patted his frizzy hair, feeling his curls sticking up in odd places.

"Don't make fun of me, I don't feel good," John muttered, and lazily rubbed at his eyes.

"You slept for three hours, you should be fine," Alex replied, and stepped closer to him to finger-comb down his hair slightly.

"I probably would've slept longer if my pillow hadn't left me."

Alex rolled his eyes, "bullshit, you've been sleeping on that pillow for two hours since my legs went numb."

John didn't say anything, just leaned his forehead against the center of Alex's stomach. In response, he didn't move away, just gathered John's curls in a ponytail with an extra hair tie from his wrist.

It wasn't unusual for John and Alex to be this intimate and touchy, but it was moments like this that made John see why Hercules and Lafayette constantly joked about them being a couple. If anything, it only made John feel worse about the fact that he wasn't with Alex.

"So I know this seems like I'm rushing wedding plans and everything," Alex said, and John leaned back from him, the moment between them now over, "but I wanted to ask you ahead of time, before I forget and put you on the spot some other time. I was wondering if you wanted to be my best man, because you are my best friend and all. And you don't have to say yes and you don't have to answer right now. I mean, I know I'm still kind of putting you on the spot right now and-"

"Of course I will." John cut him off before he continued to ramble on like he always did.

"Great," Alex replied and smiled up at John, who was now taller than him since he had stood up from the couch.

They were standing so close that John felt an impulsive urge to grab Alex by his waist, and kiss him in the midst of his smile. But he knew that it would be crazy and Alex would pull away, so he kept the imaginary moment in his mind to later sketch out to satisfy him slightly.

John's stomach growled, reminding him of the fact that he hadn't eaten since seven o'clock the night before, and that he had heaved up the little he had eaten. His back was still sore from sleeping on the floor the night before, but other than that and his slight headache, John felt fine.

He was just finishing making himself a turkey sandwich when Alex piped in from the barstool with more talk about the wedding; something about the color scheme.

"Jesus, Alex, you're not getting married tomorrow," John joked, but was completely serious, "I know that you're non-stop, but you just got engaged like two days ago."

"Well, I actually proposed two weeks ago, we were just waiting to tell everyone all at once."

John felt a flare of hurt and anger. _You proposed to your girlfriend two weeks ago, and you didn't think to tell your best friend of four years about it?_

"Oh, okay." John said coolly, turning away from Alex to put his sandwich toppings back in the fridge.

"John, it's not that I didn't want to tell you, we just wanted to tell everyone ourselves before people told other people about it-"

"I wouldn't have told anyone, but yeah, whatever," John snapped back, staring at Alex.

"John," Alex sighed, looking at him with big, brown, pleading eyes, "please don't be mad at me."

"I'm not..it's fine," He replied, his voice failing to make it sound like it was fine.

"I wanted to tell you, John." Alex said, quietly.

"I don't have to know every detail of your relationship, Alex." He snapped, his headache worsening once again.

This silenced Alexander, and left him to pick at his fingernails, a nervous habit. John wolfed down his sandwich, eating as an awkward silence sat in between them.

John knew he shouldn't have let it bother him so much. He knew if he let small things like that bother him, that by the time Alex's wedding arrived, he'd have taken years off of his life by stressing himself out so much.

"It's snowing," John remarked after he finished eating, watching as fat New York snow flurries pelted down outside their window.

He glanced at Alex, who wrinkled his nose cutely and shivered at the thought of how cold it must be outside.

"Oh, c'mon you used to love the snow." John responded to Alex's clear distaste for the first snowfall.

"I liked snow the first time I saw it, then I saw it for what it truly was, frozen flurries sent from hell," Alex said, and John laughed.

"You truly have a way with words," John replied, and Alex smiled his crooked smile that still made John's heart stop for a second.

It may have been freezing outside, but John knew that it had warmed back up between them.

 

««« _rewind «««_

 

Aaron Burr had to be in at least the top 5 list of people John couldn't stand. He wasn't blatantly racist or homophobic or sexist or blatantly anything; that's what annoyed John the most. Sure, discussing why Mitt Romney sucked wasn't exactly prime party conversation, but the least Burr could do was at least agree with the fact that he did suck.

John chugged his beer as Burr repeated the same lack of argument just with different big words, and made a deal of looking around for Herc and Laf to leave the conversation he had gotten himself into. He was close to saying "fuck it" and just walk away from the conversation, until he found a reason to stay.

"Burr there's only so many synonyms you can use for the word big before even the dumbest of people can see your argument is nonexistent." Piped up a voice behind Aaron.

Burr rolled his eyes up towards the ceiling (John swore he saw one of them twitch), and John looked for the source of the statement. It had come from a short, skinny boy who looked to be a fellow freshman in college. He had long black hair pulled messily back in a ponytail and dark eyes that just then locked with John's.

John's mouth twitched up in a small smile and he felt a small flare in his heartbeat as he noticed how unusually attractive the boy was. He hadn't realized he'd been staring until the boy blushed, which completely contradicted the cocky smirk he'd had seconds ago.

"And you are?" John asked, trying not to sound rude.

"Sorry, Alex Hamilton, Burr's roommate," Alex held out his hand, which John took in his own and shook lightly. Alex's hands were small and cold compared to John's.

"John Laurens, constant annoyer of Burr." Alex grinned, which exposed a few crooked bottom teeth.

"Ah, you must be the step-in when I'm not around to make him pull out what little hair he has," John threw his head back and laughed at this.

"Ok, that's the end of this conversation." Burr stated bluntly, "Hamilton, don't get back too late, you're awful noisy."

"Actually, it’s awful _LY_ noisy, Burr, and I'll consider it," Alex replied, and John hid another smile.

As Burr walked away, John seized the opportunity to get a good look at Alex, since the shorter boy was looking in the other direction.

Alex was at least half a foot shorter than John and practically skin and bones. He had dark, almost black hair, and olive skin, leading John to believe he was Latino in some way. He had deep set bags under his brown eyes, but energy visibly buzzed through him from head to bouncing leg.

John looked away before Alex caught him ogling him and opened his mouth to say something, but didn’t get a chance to since Alex was shoved into his chest. John caught his fall by grabbing his waist and looked to see who had pushed Alex. It turns out it was a guy and a girl sucking each other’s faces who had bumped Alex as they felt each other up frantically.

“Sorry,” Alex said, and pushed himself off of John.

John gagged at the couple, “ugh, straight people.”

Alex laughed, “I take your distaste as you’re not straight.”

“You got that right; I’m as gay as the day is long,” John said, and blushed slightly at his own forwardness, “wow, great conversation starter.”

Alex just laughed carelessly and the corners of his eyes crinkled. _God he’s cute,_ John thought.

“So how come I’ve never seen you around before?” John asked, “I’ve seen Burr plenty of times, but never you.”

“Probably because Burr can’t stand me,” Alex replied, “and because I usually I don’t go to these types of things.”

“I try not to either. I come for the free booze or because my friends drag me to them.”

“Not for the hot frat guys?” Alex asked, and John raised his eyebrows.

He looked into the kitchen where a couple of said frat guys were having a keg stand competition, loud whoops and chest smacks accompanying the thumping bass from the music. “Oh yeah, those are the guys I secretly think about at night, fantasizing about how many times they would say ‘no homo’ during a conversation with me.”

Alex shook his head and laughed along with John.

“I actually hate these parties, I’ve been wanting to leave for a while now, but can’t find the friends I came with,” John said and looked around the hallway for Hercules and Lafayette.

“I take that as my cue to leave,” Alex said and John frowned slightly.

“No, I was gonna introduce you, actually, unless you don’t want to.” John replied.

“No, no that’s great.” John hid a smile at Alex’s eagerness. “How do you plan on finding them exactly?”

“Well, Herc is practically attached to Laf at the hip, and Lafayette’s probably headed toward the keg stand, since he’s obsessed with ‘American culture,’” John explained, adding a bad French accent to the last phrase.

John stood on his tiptoes to look at the kitchen over the hallway’s crowd. He spotted Hercules’s unmistakably huge figure and Laf’s curly bun bobbing toward the neanderthals at the keg.

“There he is, the crazy French bastard,” John turned to Alex and grabbed his hand, “c’mon.”

John pulled Alex by his cold, small hand through the crowd, and didn’t acknowledge, but noticed the sparks he felt from his and Alex’s joined hands. John dropped his hand once they got to the kitchen, and tried not to think about the blush tinting Alex’s cheeks, it was probably just from the heat of the crowd they just walked through.

“Baguette!” John called before Lafayette set himself up for embarrassment by talking in garbled English to the frat guys.

Lafayette turned and greeted him with his usual cheery smile and walked toward John and Alex, Hercules following close behind.

“Bonjour, John, who is this?” Lafayette greeted.

“This is Alex, Burr’s roommate. He got me out of my conversation with Burr about ten minutes ago,” John introduced Alex to Lafayette.

Lafayette raised his eyebrows at John in the secret language they seemed to have. _Is Alex more than a friend to you?_ John shook his head quickly before Laf asked this verbally.

“You’re French?” Alex asked.

“Oui, I moved to America this summer,” Lafayette answered with his permanent smile.

“You’re in my gov class, right?” Hercules asked.

“I think so, yeah,” Alex replied.

“Hercules Mulligan,” He said and stuck out his hand. John hid another smile at the size difference of Alex and Hercules’s hands.

“Okay, introductions have been made, can we leave now?” John asked.

~

Okay, Alex was _really_ cute.

John wished he hadn’t chosen to share his side of the booth with Alex, because his side glances were much more obvious than they would have been if Alex was sitting across from him. John couldn’t help himself, Alex was just so _interesting_. When he spoke-which he did often and rapidly-he spoke so intelligently, a caribbean accent occasionally melting into some of his words. John couldn’t necessarily say he had a thing for guys with accents, since he wasn’t attracted to Lafayette in that way and the Southern accents of the boys from his hometown weren’t all that charming, but Alex’s accent was attractive in every way possible.

Alex was in the middle of explaining something about his major to Lafayette when he suddenly stopped and looked out the diner’s window.

“Is that snow?” Alex asked, his hand pressed against the glass.

“Yeah, first snowfall of the school year.” John replied. “Have you never seen snow before?”

“No, I’m from the Caribbean, it never snowed where I lived,” Alex mumbled in response, his eyes wide in amazement.

“Let’s go see it then,” John said and pulled Alex by his hand out of the booth with him.

Herc and Laf gave John knowing looks, which made John drop his hand, but Alex didn’t notice. He almost jogged to the door, his excitement reminded John of that of a child.

Once outside, Alex stood at the edge of the curb and looked up at the dark sky. White flurries fell down lightly and contrasted Alex’s dark hair as they landed in it. Alex’s eyes were bright and shining, despite how richly colored they were. He held out his palm and watched thoughtfully as the flakes melted against it.

Despite how cold it was around him, John felt a glowing, warm feeling in his chest as he watched Alex’s adorable wonder. John stood close to him, he could smell an essence of clean laundry and faint cologne from his hoodie. John wished he could make Alex’s smile in that moment permanent.

“It’s amazing, isn’t it?” Alex said and turned to look at John.

John quickly looked up at the sky, instead of at Alex, but his face still stuck out it in his mind as he said, “yeah, it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Updates will be about every other week :)
> 
> Follow me on tumblr @liz-browning
> 
> Kudos and comments are highly appreciated ❤︎
> 
> xx, Liz


	2. Chapter 2: Somebody to Hold Tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You'll never feel like you're alone, I'll make this feel like home"

Alex fidgeted with his hands, "John, please don't be mad at me."

John wasn't mad. 

Upset? Yes. 

On the verge of tears? Slightly. 

Was he going to show any of this to Alex? Hell no.

"Alex, it's fine, really," John reassured, his voice slightly higher in pitch than usual, "it only makes sense that you and Eliza want to move in together. We can't live together forever, y'know."

John's joke was lame and forced, but Alex's lips still twitched into a nervous smile.

He sat on the edge of the couch, his knee bounced, and his hand rubbed the back of his neck. It was silent for a couple moments, "we already found a place we like."

Once again, John was slightly blindsided for a second. He stared at a loose thread on the recliner until he regained himself, "okay, yeah, that's great."

"I've already started packing some stuff," wow, Alex was really packing the punches, "we want to sign the lease before anyone else gets to it, it's a really nice place."

John wanted to say something petty or make Alex feel bad, but he honestly didn't have the energy. He felt tears prick in his eyes as he thought about how that time next week, Alex wouldn't be living with him anymore. He swallowed the lump beginning to bob its way up his throat and stared at the floor until his tears retreat.

There was a longer stretch of silence, "I'll help you pack."

~

Alex didn't have much of anything for his own. He'd acquired more clothes than he'd essentially come with, and he'd filled up nearly three shelves on his bookshelf. But other than that, the only things that made the room seem like it belonged to him was the wristwatch on the bed-side table and a few pinned-up drawings John had drawn of him.

John noted all of this as he stood in Alex's doorway. He tried to keep an exact image of it in his mind; he'd probably draw it later to keep it real forever. But beyond the visible things, John was relying solely on his memory.

John tried to pinpoint the exact smell of Alex's room. It didn't smell all that different from the rest of the apartment; clean, lived in. The closet smelled of the fabric softener only Alex remembered to use. The pillows smelled like the cheap, store-brand, tropical scented shampoo he bought over and over. Alex's desk was (quite literally) soaked with the smell of his endless cups of coffee, one of which he'd spilled a year or so ago.

As of right now, the room was silent; John was standing in lonely quietness, and Alex was at the store getting more boxes. John closed his eyes and heard the fast clicking of computer keys and Alex's too-early alarm and Alex mumbling under his breath as he paced and practiced a speech. He also heard late-night delirious conversations and loud laughs over binge-watched shows from the living room. He'd sometimes hear every one of these sounds in the span of one day. In a few days, some of these sounds would only be audible to John's ears every now and then. Some, he'd probably never hear again.

John didn't know how memories could make him fall deeper in love with Alex, something he didn't think could go any deeper. But as he stood and stared at the room that would be vacant in a couple days, he felt the never-ending urge to tell Alex everything: about that night, how he was in love with him. But John knew it would be a terrible thing to do; Alex was engaged, John couldn't do that to him or Eliza.

John almost let a tear fall, but quickly wiped his cheek dry when the front door opened and Alex came in talking at a mile a minute. John tried to focus on what Alex was saying, while also trying to calm his emotions down.

Alex rambled about some rude man at the store as he unfolded boxes. John listened patiently like he always did and started to grab stacks of books off the bookshelves. He emptied two of the shelves in the same time it took Alex to clear off one.

"My hands are small," Alex argued when John commented on the matter.

They worked smoothly together; maneuvering around each other with ease, and barely bumped hands when they worked side by side. Within two hours, most of the room was packed away, save two more days worth of clothes and other temporary necessities.

The room didn't look, and technically wasn't, empty. It still held Alex's bed (wrinkled sheets and pillows as well), his now-empty desk, and an equally empty dresser. But the room might as well have been a black hole to John. It looked like Alex was already gone, despite the fact that he was still right next to John.

John turned away from Alex and touched the words he'd painted on his wall over three years ago. His fingers traced three or four letters before his face screwed up as tears forced themselves upon him. John breathed deeply to hold himself together for a few moments until he was away from Alex.

John turned, rubbed the back of his neck, and looked at the floor, "it's getting late, I'm gonna head to bed."

"Alright, thanks for your help," Alex said.

John walked awkwardly out of the room; he tried not to walk too fast but forgot his normal pace. Once he was safely in his room, John didn't shut the door. A shut door would make Alex worry. Any boundaries they'd had earlier in their friendship had become nonexistent over the years. John knew Alex could walk in at any moment (many times they had walked in on the other changing), so he didn't allow himself a moment to cry. He would have plenty of time to do that once Alex was gone.

John fell into bed once he changed into pajama pants and brushed his teeth. His bones ached like they had been doing for the past few months, but he didn't feel tired. He had the comforter pulled halfway up his bare chest and he tried to close his eyes, but sleep ignored him.

He tossed and turned for close to an hour, his head filled to the brim with too many thoughts. His eyes felt dry and he wanted to sleep, but it didn't come. He didn't jump when he heard a creaking sound in the hallway, just sat up to see what it was. Alex stood in his doorway, huge sweatshirt and all.

"Sorry, did I wake you up?" Alex said quietly.

"No," John's voice was a little scratchy, "I couldn't sleep anyway. You okay?"

"Yeah..can we talk? I know it's late and a weird time-"

"Sure, yeah, c'mere," John replied, and pulled the covers open for the vacant spot next to him. Alex padded in the room and crawled under the covers on the right side-his side-of the bed.

"What's up?" John asked and rolled on his side to face Alex.

"Are you mad at me?" He asked, his voice sounded small.

John huffed, "Alexander, for the last time, no. Why would I be mad at you?"

"I don't know. Because I'm moving out and I kinda feel like a dick for moving out and just leaving you here by yourself-"

"I've been on my own before, Alex, I'll be fine," John cut him off. Both statements were untrue, and Alex narrowed his eyes slightly because of this.

"Are you fine now?"

John thought he'd at least show Alex at least a fraction of honesty, "yeah, it's just weird thinking about you not being here. But it would feel weird no matter when you did it."

Alex nodded, "I'll miss you, John."

John's heart ached, "I'll miss you too."

Alex met his eyes for a few moments. His eyes were as big and brown and engulfing as always. They were the only part of Alex John could really see in the dark. John felt tears well in his eyes again as he stared into Alex's. He looked away, afraid that his eyes were visibly shining in the dark.

Alex didn't say anything else, just scooted closer and curled into him, his head rested against John's bare chest. As John wrapped his arms around Alex, he felt a single hot tear leak from the corner of his eye. It rolled down his cheek and landed somewhere in Alex's hair.

 

_«««rewind«««_

 

John knew Alex was good at a lot of things. He could write, argue, solve, debate, create, cook and clean (to a decent extent), not procrastinate. But painting? Alex was horrendous. Maybe it was because art and painting were John's strong suits, but he didn't think painting a wall was all that hard.

But Alex made it look hard. He had to stand high on his tiptoes to reach somewhat close to ceiling. Paint dripped from his paint-roller onto his forehead. He'd leaned over once and smeared his bun across a freshly painted area. John had stifled a laugh and told Alex to just go take a shower. John then finished painting the edges and corners of the last wall by himself.

Alex's room was the only room in the apartment they'd recently acquired that they agreed needed to be repainted. All the other rooms were a neutral shade of cream or tan, but one of the two bedrooms was painted a harsh shade of mustard. A light green now replaced the previous color.

Now, the walls were dry, and the aroma of paint filled the room. John knew a bed and a desk and a dresser would soon fill the empty room, but it still looked too bland to him. That's why he'd decided to paint a design on the wall next to the window.

John had decided on a long, complex quill and a quote Alex constantly used. He was sketching it out in his sketchbook when Alex walked into the living room after his shower. He wore navy pajama pants and a big sweatshirt, one John was pretty sure was his.

Alex sat down next to John on the couch and rested his head on his shoulder.

"What're you drawing?" He asked.

John added a few more strokes to the details of the feather, "I thought I'd paint this on your wall."

He tilted the book so he could see it, and Alex grinned at the quote underneath. _"Write like you're running out of time."_

"I like it." He said, then yawned widely.

"Oh, you must be _so_ exhausted from how hard you worked today." John said sarcastically.

Alex playfully smacked his leg in response, "hey, my arms are short, so my shoulders are sore."

John snorted and lifted Alex's head off his shoulder. His still-damp hair was soaking the sleeve of his shirt.

"You still have paint in your hair," John remarked, and looked at all the speckles of paint that stood out against Alex's midnight hair.

"I brushed and washed it really well, though," Alex said, and pulled his hair around to look at the paint still in it.

"Yeah, but most of it still stays anyway. Here, turn around and I'll try to get some of it out," John ordered, and Alex turned to face away from him.

John proceeded to use his thumb fingernail and forefinger to pull paint off of each individual strand of Alex's hair until it was universally dark brown again. Once he was done, John moved down to gently massage some of the tension and soreness from Alex's shoulders. He knew it wasn't just today's painting that had caused the stress there.

Alex let out a soft mix between a sigh and a moan as John rubbed knots out of his back. The sound made John's senses heighten and his heart skip a beat.

Alex yawned widely and loudly, so John got up, "I'll go get ready for bed."

Alex smiled lazily in response, his eyes drooping sleepily too.

~

John and Alex had never intentionally slept together before. Sure, three or four times they'd fallen asleep at the other's dorm room while studying. But in the close to a year they'd known each other, they'd never had reason to purposely sleep in the same bed as each other until then.

They moved into their new apartment with basically no furniture. The only thing left behind by the previous renters was an ugly pull-out couch John intended to sell and a table and chairs. The two moving in was inevitable considering how much time they were rarely apart. Alex was down for the idea (mainly of no longer having to share a dorm with Burr) the first time John suggested it, and they'd found the current apartment after three failed tries of looking at others.

They planned to share the pull out bed until they bought two beds. That night, John discovered that not only was the couch ugly, it was also terribly uncomfortable. The mattress had hard lumps where springs were sure to poke through soon. The sheets were thin and scratchy. Alex's constant tossing and turning also didn't help John fall asleep any faster.

As John laid on his side away from Alex, uncomfortable and annoyed, Alex rolled onto one side, squirmed for a few minutes then rolled loudly the other way. After a half of hour of this and sleep escaping John's body entirely, he finally lost it.

"Sweet Jesus," John rolled over and pulled Alex against his chest, "lay still."

Alex made a noise in surprise, John's chest was pressed to his back and his arm was tight around his waist. John was content for the minute or so that Alex was still.

John made a noise of protest when Alex squirmed, but was silenced when Alex rolled over to face him and returned to the close position they were in before. John leaned back to look down at Alex, whose face was rested against John's chest. He hoped Alex couldn't feel the way his heart sped up when he truly realized what he'd boldly just done and the current position they were in.

Alex's thick eyelashes rested on his cheeks and his lips parted slightly, small whispers of his breath fanning across the top of John's chest where his v-neck plunged. His hands, though cold and jolting at first, warmed up from the heat of John's chest where they rested.

Alex moved his head to look up at John. They held eye contact for a few moments and John felt a warm feeling spread throughout his chest.

"Sorry." Alex whispered, a hint of a smile on his pink lips.

John pulled him close again, his arms wrapped completely around Alex's slender torso, and threaded his fingers through his silky hair. Alex shifted a couple times until his legs were tangled with John's and he was in just the right position. Both were grateful for the affectionate position they ended up in, for when Alex got comfortable, his breathing evened out, and sleep joined their embrace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Follow me on tumblr @liz-browning
> 
> Comments and kudos are highly appreciated ❤︎
> 
> xx, Liz


	3. Chapter 3: The World Can Change Its Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You should know you're beautiful just the way you are, and you don't have to change a thing.."

Life without Alex was harder than John had expected. And John had expected the worst.

John felt a hollow echo engulf his body when he came home to an empty apartment every day. Several times he'd almost started to tell a funny story out loud before he realized no one was there to listen. Alex certainly never slept in his bed every single night before, but it still felt like there were miles of empty space next to him in his bed.

The day John had driven with Alex over to his new apartment to drop off the last of his things, Alex had promised to call or FaceTime him at least once a day. John knew he was probably busy unpacking and settling in, but the fact that Alex hadn't initiated any of the calls between them in the past three weeks didn't hurt any less.

John felt himself falling into a dismal routine. He woke up around noon or 1 PM every day. He laid in bed on his phone for a half hour. He moved to the couch and watched TV shows with uninteresting plots. He forgot to eat until around 3. He ate half a bag of chips. After staring at the wall for ten minutes, he transformed the images he'd imagined into half-assed sketches. He ordered take-out around 7. He changed into new sweatpants just to look presentable for the pizza guy. He fucked around until 3 in the morning. The routine unhealthily repeated itself.

John definitely realized his bad habits. But it wasn't until he'd take out the garbage that he would realize that that was the first time he had left the house in four days. It wasn't until Lafayette was knocking on his door that he realized he hadn't showered in three days and had to go take a three minute shower. John wanted to stop himself from continuing the cycle but his mind called it quits when he woke up hazy-headed and depressed.

So it took great effort for John to set an alarm, eat breakfast at a normal time, and change out of his pajamas before 4 pm. But the effort was worth it, because Alex had called him and asked him to go with him for a suit fitting. It would be the first time John saw him in person in three weeks.

He felt stupid as he fretted over his appearance in the mirror. He couldn't remember a time within the past two years in which he'd been away from Alex this long. The ache already residing in his chest as a result of being hopelessly in (one-sided) love now had a nearly identical extra dose of pain added to it because of his loneliness. Hercules and Lafayette were unaware of his poor habits, because they were busy with their own lives and he’d managed to clean up the apartment and himself before the one time they stopped over to hang out. He mostly called Alex on the phone, and when he did FaceTime him, John once again took a quick shower before calling him back. It was dumb, he knew, but he didn't want to let Alex know how badly his life had declined only three weeks since he had left John.

He stood in the bathroom, scrutinizing his appearance. His hair had looked good down, his curls weren't frizzy, but then he thought about how it would probably get in his face, so he put it up. Then he decided it made his ears look bigger than they already were, but by then it was too slick with hair gel and looked greasy when he put it back down. He then took another shower to wash the gel out. Hey, he was making up for all the showers he should have taken over the past three weeks.

After he situated his hair into a loose ponytail, he moved onto fretting over what to wear. Black skinny jeans were an easy and automatic choice. The shirt was the hard part. What exactly do you wear to a suit fitting? He had just decided on a white long-sleeved shirt when Alex texted him that he was outside in an Uber.

John quickly stepped into his oxfords and rushed out the door.

Once he was downstairs, he paused at the lobby doors to catch his breath. He hadn't realized how excited he was to see Alex until he practically sprinted down five flights of stairs to get to him. He felt like a junior high boy nervous for his first date.

When he stepped out into the brisk November-almost-December air, he was greeted with chilly wind and Alex's smiling face in the car window. John felt his heart squeeze and returned the grin. He slid into the backseat of the car next to Alex and felt his nervousness rise and fall at their close proximity.

"Hey." Alex greeted warmly.

John didn't know what to do. Hug him? High five him? No, gays don't high-five. "Hey."

Alex's eyebrows furrowed and he felt the sleeve of John's shirt. "John, this is paper thin, you'll freeze today."

John rolled his eyes, "I'm not a cold-blooded reptile like you, remember?"

Alex playfully punched him in the arm, but laughed. He then placed his hand on John's thigh, which gave John a heart attack, and gazed out the window, unaware.

~

John didn't know if he was imagining it to make himself feel better, but Alex seemed nervous too. He'd gone from barely saying anything in the car to talking as fast as his brain thought the minute they got to store. Sure, Alex was definitely a more chatty and anxious person than John, but it seemed that they both held the same amount of nervous energy at that moment.

Even now, as he tried on his suit in the dressing room, he rambled on a mostly one-sided conversation. He knew it was rude of him to do, but John tried to tune out what few bits of what Alex was saying, since he was talking, once again, about Eliza. It was some story about how she wasn't used to living in such a small space. Pettily, John rolled his eyes even though he had been the same way about his freshman dorm at first.

When Alex pulled back the curtain from his dressing room and stepped out in his suit, John was taken aback. Physically, he just blinked and smiled as a natural reaction. Mentally, John slid out of his chair and entered the afterlife.

The suit fit Alex well. It was a deep navy and tightly hugged Alex's body. John had only caught a glance of the front before Alex had turned to critique his appearance in the mirror. John's current view was of the fabric clinging to every curve of Alex's torso and accentuating the thickness of his thighs and ass. John bit his bottom lip and ignored the hot flush crawling up the back of his neck.

John's reaction was the exact opposite of Alex's. Instead, he frowned and furrowed his brows deeper the more he turned and looked at himself. He tugged at tighter parts of the fabric and sucked in his stomach a couple times.

"Do you not like it?" John asked and stood to join Alex in front of the mirror.

"I just..it doesn't look right, does it?" Alex answered after a pause and met John's eyes in the mirror.

John turned Alex to face him and smiled lightheartedly, "well, for one, your tie is crooked."

Alex blushed slightly, but let John untie, then properly tie his light blue tie. John didn't think it made much difference, but he hoped that that was the only reason Alex disliked the way he looked in the suit.

"No, it’s not the tie, it just..doesn't fit the-the way I want it to." Alex frowned at his appearance once again.

"What, does it feel too tight?" John asked and pressed his hands against Alex's fidgeting ones.

"No, but it looks like it's too tight. How do you think it looks?"

 _You look hot as hell and if we weren't, you know, shopping for your wedding, I would totally fuck you in the dressing room,_ he thought to himself. John hesitated for a second, not knowing what adjectives to use. "I think it looks good, really good."

His answer didn't please Alex, and John realized how bland and unhelpful it was.

"Alex, what's wrong?" John asked after a couple more moments of Alex scratching his stubble and frowning at his reflection.

Alex looked at the floor and when he spoke, his voice sounded strained, "it doesn't look wrong because the tailor made it wrong, it looks bad because of me."

John considered pressing further, but he understood what Alex meant and knew it would only embarrass Alex to have him verbally explain it. Instead, he didn't say anything for a moment, just wrapped his arm around Alex's middle and pulled his back to his chest. John felt him let out a shaky breath and pressed a kiss to the top of his head in response.

"You look perfect, Alexander, but if you don't like it, you can always have the tailor let it out in certain areas. It's your wedding, you should look the way you want." John mumbled close to Alex's ear.

He nodded and placed his hand over John's.

 

_«««rewind«««_

 

Florida was hell.

John certainly hadn't been reluctant when Lafayette had proposed a graduation trip down to Miami for a week, but now that they were there, John remembered one of the many reasons he had left and did not miss the South: the horrendous heat and humidity. Even stepping outside on the hotel balcony for a few minutes made him feel like he'd crawled into the dryer while the clothes were still half damp.

Alex was the complete opposite. The whole drive down-yes, Laf had made them all cram into his car for the 20 hour drive-Alex had been energized and excited to get there. He kept up this energy by taking frequent naps on John. Despite having no room for his lanky legs in the back seat and his butt constantly going numb from sitting so long, he didn't mind the trip as much when Alex had his head rested on his shoulder.

They hadn't seen much of each other during the previous two weeks, because of John's family being in town for graduation and him being forced to spend time with them. But John felt himself unwind as he talked to Alex during the hours that they weren’t napping, as they shared a pair of headphones and John's music selection, and as they fell asleep against each other at the same time.

Once they finally made it to Miami, Alex was ecstatic. He'd leaned across John to look out the window and stared in awe at the lines of palm trees and the broad ocean. John felt something inside of him melt as he watched Alex happily relax more than he ever had in the three and a half years John had known him.

For the one night they'd already been there, Alex had been consistently happy and basked in the warmth of everything around him.

That's why it shocked John when he came out of the bathroom, swim trunks and tank top on, to find Alex sitting on the bed, fully clothed, with no intentions of heading down to the beach with John to join Herc and Laf, who had left early to get a good spot.

“Um, Alex, do you really plan on getting in the ocean in jeans?” John asked and Alex looked up, the lightheartedness from the previous day no longer present in his eyes.

“I, uh, decided I don’t want to go anymore, you head down,” He replied and looked down again.

"What do you mean you don't want to go to the beach, Alex, we're in Florida," John said confusedly.

"I just don't want to, John, okay?" Alex said quickly, "you can go with Herc and Laf, and I'll just stay back here at the hotel."

"C'mon, Alex, we're finally out of 'freezing' New York, I thought you'd be dying to go to the beach. Listen, you don't have to stay long if you don't want-"

"I said I don't want to go, John, at all." He snapped.

"What is this about, Alex?" John asked more seriously.

"I just don't feel like going."

"You weren't saying that the whole way down here." John replied.

"Yeah, well, I changed my mind." He said stubbornly.

"Why'd you change your mind?" John could be just as stubborn and persistent.

"Because I just did."

John rolled his eyes, "oh wow, that's a great reason, do you plan to use that argument in court?"

Alex frowned at him and turned away so that he was looking out the window and not at John. John sighed and sat down next to Alex on the edge of the bed.

"What's wrong?"

Alex sighed and started picking at his nails, "nothing, I'm fine."

John placed his hand over Alex's, "I've known you long enough to know you're not acting fine."

"I just..I don't know. If-if I go I'm gonna stand out compared to you three and people are gonna stare and-"

"Alex, stop, why would you stand out? What are you talking about?"

"It's pretty obvious that I don't look like you guys." Alex said, but didn't ultimately help John understand any better.

"Ok, sure you're shorter than us, but-"

Alex scowled at him, "I wasn't talking about that, John."

"Then what are you talking about? Because none of us really look anything alike to begin with."

"It's just that, you guys have like fucking eight-packs, and I'm just here looking like a chubby shrimp-"

"That's what this is about?" Alex's face flushed an ashamed shade of crimson, "Alexander, despite what most people think, you don't have to skinny or muscular to be attractive."

Alex covered his face with his hands, "Oh god, John, you sound like a parent giving the sex-talk."

John laughed, "seriously though, there's nothing wrong with the way you look. It's definitely better than you being skin-and-bone like you were when I first met you."

"I just don't want to make them uncomfortable, Herc and Laf, I mean. I know you've seen me plenty of times so it won't phase you, but-"

"Alex, no, just stop thinking that way. They're not going to treat you weird because you look different. Have we ever treated Herc differently because his skin is so much darker than ours?"

"No, of course not, why-" Alex said quickly and looked away.

"So why is that any different than your problem?" John asked and brought his hand up to cup Alex's face and move his eyes back to meet his.

Alex seemed slightly shocked by this, and John awkwardly retracted and cleared his throat.

"Look, I know me saying this won't immediately erase any insecurities you have, I just want you to know that there's nothing wrong with the way you look and that none of us are gonna treat you any differently." John said after he recreated the space he'd  awkwardly filled a few moments ago.

Alex nodded and John stood up to leave.

"Well I'm gonna head down, if you change your mind, just text me."

Alex didn't say anything, just stood up and wrapped his arms around John's neck. John exhaled and looped his arms around Alex's waist. He kept close detail of how there was so much more of Alex now for him to hold. He briefly compared Alex now to the Alex he'd first met. The one he was holding was his definite, without-a-doubt choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! If you're enjoying this fic, PLEASE leave a comment/share it; I'm disappointed with the lack of feedback and doubt whether or not I should continue with this story.
> 
> Follow me on tumblr @liz-browning
> 
> Comments and kudos are highly appreciated ❤︎
> 
> xx, Liz


	4. Chapter 4: In The Eye of a Hurricane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I didn't drown; I couldn't seem to die"

John had fallen asleep before midnight, which was extremely unusual and surprising.

This sleep was disrupted, however, by his phone vibrating right next to his face and a clap of thunder harmonizing with it. He jumped awake and squinted at the bright screen, sleep still fogging his vision. “ _ Ham Hot Damn”  _ flashed on the screen, which confused John since it was past 4 in the morning. But it clicked in his mind when he heard the pelting rain and wind outside his window.

He sat up quickly, his senses suddenly heightened, and he immediately swiped to answer the call.

John heard a muttered “pick up, John, pick up, pick up” before he himself spoke.

“Hey, Alex, how are you doing?” John tried his best to sound calming.

“Uh, not great, as you can probably predict, because of, you know, the huge ass thunderstorm, and I know it’s really late, or early, depends on how you look at it, but-” Alex’s words were jumbled together, then broken up by heavy, shaky breaths.

“No, no, it’s okay. Is Eliza there?” John asked, pushing any personal thoughts and emotions aside.

Alex’s hyperventilating breaths were the only sound on the other line for a few moments, “no, she’s at her parent’s house. She was there late talking to her sisters about wedding stuff, and then the weather got bad, so she’s just sleeping there tonight.”

John sighed, “ok, uh, where are you in the,  _ your _ apartment right now?”

“I’m in the living room.”

“The one with the huge windows?”

“Yeah, why? Wait, oh god, should I not be? Is the storm gonna get that bad-” The level of panic in Alex’s voice soared.

“No. Alex, it’s just a thunderstorm, it’s gonna be okay. I just know you’re freaking yourself out more by looking outside.”

There was silence for a minute, so John checked to see if Alex was still there right before Alex spoke again.

“John, i-it’s bad.” Alex’s voice cracked off into a sob at the end.

John quickly detangled himself from his sheets and stumbled around his bedroom to find the sweatpants and t-shirt he’d worn the previous day.

He tucked his phone between his shoulder and ear, “Alex, I’m coming over, okay?”

“John, no, the weather’s too bad-” Alex replied urgently, and John pulled a sweatshirt over his head.

“I’ve never seen you this bad before, and to make it worse, you’re alone. I”m coming over.” John slipped on a pair of converse and headed for the door, “Buzz me in when I get there.”

Before Alex could protest further, John hung up and raced downstairs.

~

The weather was actually worse than the glimpse of the outside his bedroom window let on. As John drove far too quickly to Alex’s apartment, there was an unusually low amount of cars on the road, considering it was nearing 5 a.m. in New York City. Screeching bolts of lightning striked and core-shaking thunder clapped; both caused John’s foot to press harder on the gas.

He swerved into a vacant spot when he reached Alex’s building and ran to the front doors. Wind and rain pelted at him and attempted to throw him off balance as he quickly skimmed the list of apartment numbers. His finger had barely left Alex’s call button before the door buzzed open for him.

The elevator seemed to move at an irritatingly slow pace as he shivered and attempted to calm down on the ride up to Alex’s floor. John’s urgency to get to him would only add to Alex’s panic once they were together.

An eery silence greeted John when he opened Alex’s unlocked door. Most of the lights were off, save the lamp next to the couch. Another strike of lightning lit up almost the entire apartment, the tall windows of the living room around the corner allowing complete visibility of the source of light.

“Alex?” John called in a normal volume.

He got no response, so he awkwardly walked down the hallway that led to the living room and bedrooms. He felt almost as if he was intruding on a life that he was no longer a part of as he glanced into the bathroom and spare bedroom, just to make sure Alex wasn’t in either of the rooms.

As he’d expected, John found Alexander in the living room. What he hadn’t expected was there to be no sound coming from Alex. John walked tentatively around the couch and sat down next to Alex on the floor. Alex’s back was rested against the foot of the couch and he seemed almost in a trance. His knees were pulled up to his chest, his eyes looked straight ahead, silent tears poured down his cheeks, and his hands trembled.

John reached out and took one of Alex’s hands. It was ice-cold and shaking. The action caused Alex to jump and whip his head in John’s direction.

“Hey, hey, it’s alright, it’s just me.” John whispered reassuringly.

Alex’s big, somewhat glazed over eyes stared into John’s for a few moments before his trance-like demeanor broke and his face screwed up with tears. He practically fell against John as sobs and gasping breaths shook his body. John quickly pulled him into his lap and began to rub his back.

He only let Alex cry for a minute or so before he attempted to bring him down from his panic attack. John cupped Alex’s face and brought it to be level with his own. He took one of Alex’s hands and moved it to rest on his own abdomen.

“Alexander, I want you to focus on my breathing and try to make yours even with it.” John ordered gently.

He watched closely as Alex shut his eyes and began to focus on what John had told him to do. His lip quivered occasionally and his attempts at even breaths were interrupted by sporadic hiccupy breaths. After around 5 minutes, though, he maintained steady breaths, and when John placed his hand against Alex’s chest, his heartbeat had slowed to a normal pace.

When Alex opened his eyes, he stared at John with an exhausted expression on his face. John brought his hand around to the side of Alex’s neck and pulled him gently to rest against his chest. Alex nuzzled his face into the left side of John’s neck and rested his hand on his right shoulder. John kissed his head softly and wrapped his arms safely around Alex’s middle.

They stayed in this position for a peaceful few minutes, just enough time for John’s eyelids to droop and his brain to feel drowsy again. His mind almost went blank with sleep, but Alex suddenly sat up and awakened him again.

“John, you’re wet. Shit, you must be freezing,” Alex said and touched the dripping ends of John’s hair.

“I’m fine, really,” John assured, but Alex was already headed to the bathroom to get a towel for him.

John stretched his arms slightly and covered his yawning mouth with his hand. He’d forgotten the effects the storm had had on him once he’d gotten to Alex, and a shiver ran down his spine as he truly felt the mixture of mid-December air and the freezing rain. Moments after, Alex entered the living room again, towel in hand. He sat and straddled John’s lap, which truly woke John up completely and clearly. Alex reached up and begin to towel John’s hair dry.

As Alex made his hair frizzy, John stared at his face and felt his heart swell like it always did in their Moments. Although John’s love for Alex never wavered and he felt it every day, it was instances like this that froze and stayed permanent in John’s mind.

Alex chewed on the edge of his lip as he always did when he focused on menial matters at hand. He looked at some area above John’s forehead, but held eye contact when John cupped his face in a much more intimate way than he had before. John stroked his thumb softly across Alex’s cheek, which John swore he saw flush in the dark. A tear that had lingered after Alex’s earlier hysteria now slipped from his tired, swollen eye and rolled down onto John’s thumb.

Though he had calmed down before, Alex truly relaxed against John as they looked at each other. John’s mind wandered again, and he found himself wishing to lean forward and ever so softly press his lips against Alex’s.

The Moment ended when Alex said that they should be getting to bed. John felt an awkward wave wash over him and his hand dropped from Alex’s face.

“Alex, I..I don’t think I should stay..here.” John said choppily, trying and failing for it not to come off the wrong way.

Alex’s face fell and he blushed, “oh, sorry, I just, uh, assumed you were going to since it’s so late and everything, but-”

“No, no, usually I would, I just don’t want..Eliza to come home tomorrow morning to,” John gestured to the close position they were currently in, “this.”

Alex’s cheeks heated to a darker shade of red, “oh, yeah, I-I understand what you mean.”

By then, he had scooted off of John’s lap and awkwardly sat on his knees next to John. John wanted to stay longer, but the atmosphere between them was now off. John stood to leave and Alex did the same, towel still loosely in hand.

As they walked silently down the hallway together, John averted his eyes from the picture frames on the walls and especially, Alex and Eliza’s bedroom. When they reached the living room, John turned to say one last thing, a thing that he’d been waiting to say as they walked, but truly didn’t want to say or think about.

“You should, um, let Eliza know that you’re okay now.” There was a mental argument in John’s head as he said this, but he knew deep down that tonight wasn’t something for him to romanticize or keep to himself, no matter how much he wanted to.

Alex rubbed the back of his neck and looked at the floor, “she, uh, doesn’t know about my...thing.”

John had to physically bite his tongue to hold back the critical thoughts that went through his mind at that instant.

“Alex,” He started calmly, but looked up at the ceiling and sighed a judgemental breath, “you do realize you’re marrying this woman in two months, yet, she doesn’t know one of the most important things about you?”

Alex scowled, “yes, I realize that, John, it’s just..I don’t know how to bring it up to her.”

“Well, you might want to figure out a way to.” John snapped. A whirlwind of jealous and selfish thoughts flooded his mind.

“I don’t believe what goes on in my relationship involves you.” Alex replied, equally as cold.

“Well, it does when I’m the one you’re calling at four in the morning instead of your fucking fiance!” Hurt flashed across Alex’s face.

“Sorry I was such a burden, but nobody forced you to come over here.” Alex stated in a chilly tone, and turned away from John.

John sighed and tiredly rubbed his hand over his face, “I know. I’m just tired, and..yeah, whatever, you’re right, do whatever the hell you want in your relationship.”

He turned to leave, surprised at how he hadn’t given into Alex and apologized. He meant what he said, even if it hurt him to admit that Alex was painfully right in saying that any part of his relationship with Eliza didn’t involve John.

Alex stopped John right as he opened the front door, “John, wait.”

John turned and raised his eyebrows.

“Thank you.” Alexander said softly, “For coming over.”

And it only took the appearance of the dimple in Alex’s right cheek when he smiled a quick, close-lipped smile to melt John’s icy, headstrong mindset.

His lips twitched into a weak smile, “yeah.”

 

_ ««« rewind ««« _

 

Storms didn’t usually affect John all that much. Sure, he’d been kinda afraid of them as a kid, but his mother had always been there to comfort him. That is, until she died and replaced his fear of storms with a new, deeper fear. He’d taken over his mother’s role of comfort for his younger siblings, so thunderstorms barely fazed him now.

So it wasn’t the thunder that rumbled throughout every room of the apartment or the lightning that lit up his eyes even when they were closed that frightened him, it was the creaking of the floor in the kitchen that made him leave his bed so late at night.

His alarm vanished when he saw that the only person in the kitchen was Alexander. John became confused, however, when he called his name and Alex’s response was a blank stare when he turned his head.

“Alex, you okay?” John asked as he neared him.

Even as John walked to Alex’s side and looked intently at him, Alex didn’t make a sound or turn his glassy gaze away from the window. He mumbled quiet, barely coherent words under his breath as he watched the rain pour down; the only words John could make out were  _ die, drown,  _ and  _ yellow. _

When John tentatively touched Alex’s cold, clammy hand, Alexander jolted out of his trance with a sharp inhaled breath.

“Alex?!” John’s heart sped up at the sudden action, “What’s wrong?”

Again, Alex gave no spoken response. Instead, he began to breathe heavily, wring his hands, and tears rolled one-after-another down his cheeks.

“John-I-can’t-breathe-” Each word was swallowed by a gasping breath and Alex clutched his hand over his chest as he continued to hyperventilate.

It was clear to John that Alex was having a panic attack, he just wasn’t completely sure what to do, considering he’d never been in this position. He didn’t have time to take a thought-out action, because in the next moment, Alex’s knees gave out slightly and John immediately grabbed Alex around the middle to hold him up.

“Here, c’mon.” John said and used his other arm to scoop Alex’s legs up into his arms as well. John carried Alex bridal-style back to his bedroom and sat down on his bed with him still in his arms.

John tried to quickly think of what to do, since Alex’s breaths had become heavier and more desperate than they had been a minute ago.

Breathing seemed like the obvious thing that Alex was already trying to do, but John still told him to do so. Physically comforting him also seemed like a good idea, so John slowly rubbed Alex’s thigh with his hand that wasn’t holding Alex’s lower back.

It seemed to help since over the course of the next few minutes, Alex’s breaths calmed gradually. Alex placed his hand on top of John’s, which caused John to halt his repeated action.

“No, keep doing”  _ gasp  _ “that.” Alex choked out, and John went back to rubbing the same spot on Alex’s pajama pants. The action calmed Alexander down to a normal breathing pattern, and he eventually relaxed his head back onto John’s shoulder.

~

When John woke up the next morning, he felt an odd bit of relief at the fact that Alex had woken up before him. He hadn’t intended for them to sleep together, but at that time it seemed like the better option compared to leaving Alex alone in his bedroom in the state that he had been in. Alex had fallen asleep almost the moment they lied down, but John had stayed awake for an additional ten minutes to ensure that Alex truly was okay.

Now, as John sat up in bed and yawned widely, he still felt nearly the same amount of confusion he’d felt eight hours earlier when he’d first walked into the kitchen. It was obvious that Alex had an extreme fear of thunderstorms, it was just his mumbled words that John couldn’t piece together to make much sense.

As he rolled out of his twisted-up sheets and pulled on a t-shirt, John tried to think of a non-intrusive, not-awkward way to ask Alex about it. Alex was in the kitchen, sitting on one of the bar stools and drinking a fresh cup of coffee as John made his way to the coffeemaker to pour his own cup.

He glanced out of the corner of his eye at Alex, who was still in his pajama pants and sweatshirt from the night before. Alex must’ve felt John’s stare, because he looked up and held eye contact with John for a brief moment before he looked back down at his coffee. In that brief moment, John had noticed his deeper dark circles and worn-out expression.

John cleared his throat after he sipped his coffee, “how’re you feeling?”

Alex took a moment to speak and didn’t completely answer the question, “I guess you’re wondering about..what happened last night?”

John shrugged despite his burning curiosity, “you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“No, no, I-I owe you an explanation,” Alex replied, and John moved to sit at the stool next to him.

Alex took an audible breath, “I guess I should start from the beginning of all the things I haven’t told you.”

He took another deep breath, “my fear of..most things started when I was twelve. My mother and I both got really sick, and she died because of it. I came so close to dying, but I didn’t. And then when I was seventeen, a hurricane hit my island, and I could have died again, but I didn’t.”

At this point, Alex had to stop and breathe for a moment. John reached out and took Alex’s right hand in his own.

Alex continued, “so, now every time there’s even the smallest storm, I get so scared, because I’m afraid that for some stupid,  _ stupid  _ reason, that God, or Death, or whatever is mad at me for escaping so many times, and I’m really gonna die this time.”

By this point, tears were pouring down Alex’s cheeks, “and I forget about it sometimes, but then even the tiniest bit of rain makes me see it. How the sky went yellow after an unusually windy day, and how, for some reason, I couldn’t hear a single sound for a moment, right before it all went to hell. And now I’m just waiting for it all to go to hell again.”

John stood up from the stool and closed the gap in between them. He wrapped his arms around Alex’s back as he sniffled quietly. It only took a minute for Alexander to compose himself, and he wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his sweatshirt when John stepped back from him.

“You never answered my question,” John said, and Alex tilted his head in confusion, “are you okay?”

Alex took John’s hand and laced their fingers together again. Although his fingertips were cold at first, the warmth and larger size of John’s hand easily engulfed his. Alex looked slightly up at John, smiled a weak, but honest smile, and nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is up a few days late, but chapter five will be up next Thursday, like usual!
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Follow me on tumblr @liz-browning
> 
> Comments and kudos are highly appreciated ❤︎
> 
> xx, Liz


	5. Chapter 5: You're My Life Support

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I've been sleeping with the lights on, 'cause the darkness is surrounding you"

For the second time that month, John was fretting over his appearance.

Prior to living on his own and falling into a deep depression as a result of Alex and Eliza’s relationship, John wasn’t a very insecure person. Like every other human being, he didn’t have an incredibly consistent amount of self-confidence, but he’d never cared so deeply about how he looked around the people he was closest to, especially Alex, until now.

Sure, he’d had bad nights where a stupid joke that Herc had made comparing John to the fish from “Shark Tale” got to him more than it should have. But his insecurities about how much his ears stuck out or how small his eyes were didn’t even concern him when he’d wake up the next morning.

But now, John found himself sweating too much in the deep red dress shirt he was wearing. He stupidly pressed his ears flat against the sides of his head, like that would do anything. His curls were frizzy and tangled; he cursed at himself for taking a shower the night before instead of this morning. He knew that if he didn’t hurry up and get going, Lafayette would lecture him the whole drive to the Schuyler mansion about how “showing up late to someone’s party wasn’t proper etiquette.”

John combed his hair up into a ponytail that he tied at the crown of his head, checked to see that his fly was up, and stepped into his usual pair of black loafers before he grabbed his keys on his way out the door.

As he drove to Hercules and Lafayette’s apartment, John watched as snow swirled in front of his windshield and turned the radio to a station playing Christmas music. He changed the channel when Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas is You” came on; no matter how festive the song was, John knew all too deeply about wanting someone. The next station played “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas,” a seemingly nice song that the negative part of his brain twisted around.

“Have yourself a merry little unrequited-love Christmas is more like it,” John muttered, then laughed a bitter chuckle at his own stupid joke.

Tonight was Christmas Eve, already a hard enough holiday on John. Ten years ago tonight, John’s mother had passed away from breast cancer. But in addition to the pain that memory already caused, today also marked seven weeks until Alex’s wedding.

“We were gonna have it on Valentine’s Day, but since it falls on a Tuesday this year, we figured not many people would show up!” Eliza had giggled when they announced the date. John had gotten white-girl-wasted that night and wished he could again tonight as well.

He forced a cheerful grin as he pulled up in front of Herc and Laf’s apartment. Despite all his windows being up, John still vividly heard Lafayette shout “ fusil à pompe!” as he ran to John’s truck. Hercules just stood in cold confusion as Laf jumped quickly into the passenger’s seat. Despite his extremely limited French vocabulary, Herc still put two-and-two together and flicked Laf in the ear after he climbed into the backseat.

“French bastard.” John heard Herc mutter under his breath and grinned at him in the rear-view mirror.

“John, we  _ should _ be getting there right now!” Lafayette said and gave John a pointed look.

“Sorry, but it takes time to look this good,” John joked lamely.

“Oui, you do look good,” Laf agreed and leaned over to sniff John, “are you wearing the cologne I got you last year?”

John leaned away from him and gave him a weird look, “oui.”

Lafayette rolled his eyes and scoffed at John’s purposefully terrible French accent, but his reaction made John genuinely laugh for what seemed like the first time in a month.

~

Dinner was less awkward, but just as unenjoyable as John had expected. Eliza was as warm and sweet as ever when they arrived, reminding John that there was no valid reason for him to dislike her. He’d chewed his food angrily at dinner, since Alex didn’t seem to show any type of concern or recollection of why today’s date was so hard for John. He was also pissed off because the cutesy seating cards Eliza had made placed John on the opposite end of the table as Alex.

He didn’t mind the seat all that much, since Eliza’s sister Peggy was sat to his right. All throughout the meal, she’d whispered straight jokes to John and nearly made him choke on his wine, despite the fact that they’d never had a real conversation until tonight.

John didn’t want to ruin any part of the good mood everyone was in, so he refrained from showing any of the anger he currently felt toward Alex. Hercules, of course, gave him concerned glances every twenty minutes to make sure he was alright, which John knew was a nice gesture, but it annoyed him more than anything. It was like when someone repeatedly asks you if you’re okay, and the more they ask, the harder it is to mask your emotions. So when Angelica yelled “present time” after everyone finished eating, John made a point to hang back to say something to Herc.

“Would you stop looking at me like that!” John whispered to Herc.

“Like what?” Herc replied, and John rolled his eyes.

“Like you’re watching me to make sure I don’t have a meltdown every time Alex so much as looks at Eliza!” John whisper-yelled.

Hercules narrowed his eyes, “I’m just trying to make sure you’re alright, asshole.”

“I’m fine.” John said with too much emphasis.

“You don’t sound fine,” Herc responded and raised his eyebrows.

John sighed, “okay, obviously I’m not fine, but it’s Christmas, so I might as well pretend to be.”

Herc was silent for a moment, “damn, maybe I should’ve gotten you weed for Christmas.”

John laughed, “shut up, you dick.”

Together, they walked, still laughing slightly, into the living room, where everyone else was already seated. However, any lightheartedness he’d felt seconds before, disappeared when he noticed that there weren’t any seats left once Herc sat down on the couch. John awkwardly stood in the middle of the living room as everyone chatted amongst themselves. He felt like someone on the outside looking in.

John was about to just sit down on the floor right where he was standing when Alex called his name and patted the small space left on the loveseat. John still felt out of place as he became the third-party on the seat next to Alex and Eliza. He did appreciate the gesture, but felt oddly flustered at his and Alex’s close proximity.

No one seemed to notice this as they all focused on opening their gifts. Lafayette yelled a happy “merci” across the room to John after he opened his gift of the DVD of  _ Les Misérables  _ and a box of macarons from  Ladurée .  Hercules thanked John for the new sewing kit, but flipped him off with a smile when he noticed the old lady reading glasses at the bottom of the gift bag. Angelica, Eliza, and Peggy thanked him for the copy of “Bad Feminist” by Roxane Gay, the mint-colored bullet journal, and the box set of the first season of “That 70s Show,” respectively. Alex flashed John his crooked-tooth smile when he unwrapped his “World’s Best Boss” mug, a bag of Werther’s originals, and a gift card to Alex’s favorite coffee shop.

The gifts John received were a handful of gift-cards, a homemade Gryffindor scarf from Herc, and a sketchbook for lefties from Alex, but it was Lafayette’s gift that nearly left him speechless. The tacky snowman-print wrapping paper didn’t give any true warning to the invaluable gift inside, a signed copy of “The Little Prince” by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. John’s throat felt tight as he carefully opened his favorite childhood book. Inside, Lafayette had left a post-it on the front page that read, “John, I remember you mentioning one time that this was your favorite book, so I asked my mother to search our home library (in France, of course) for a copy, and she luckily found two copies, so please do not yell at me for giving one of them to you. Merry Christmas! Love, Lafayette.”

As John read the first few lines of the story, he felt tears well in his eyes as he faintly remembered his mother’s voice reading aloud those exact same words to him. John shut out whatever else was going on around him, but snapped back when Alex placed his hand on John’s arm. He must have read the note over John’s shoulder and noticed his silence.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you all night, how are you doing?” Alex asked and looked at John with concern.

Before John could respond, Herc said, “shit, I forgot about that, how  _ are  _ you doing?”

“Forgot what?” Peggy asked. All eyes turned to John then.

John felt the piercing gaze of everyone’s confused eyes staring at him. The lump in his throat was still present and seemed to grow bigger as anxiety creeped up on him. He hated, hated, hated talking about this.

John rubbed the back of his neck and said in a strained voice, “uh, ten years ago tonight, my mother, um, passed away.”

There was a quick concerned chorus of apologies. The room felt like it was closing in. John hadn’t felt this way in such a long time. He was right back in middle school, returning from winter break a week later than everyone else, all eyes on him during language arts, social studies, lunch. He couldn’t breathe properly.

John managed to choke out an “excuse me” before he stumbled out of the room. Hot tears were gripping his throat and his nose was running. The frigid air felt like a comforting welcome when he finally made it outside. He cursed when he stepped in a pile of snow, but quickly shook it off his shoe and continued down the driveway until he made it to his truck.

The vents blew cold air for the first few minutes John sat in his truck. He rested his head against the steering wheel and tried to calm down. Tears rolled down his cheeks and left a wet spot on the front of his shirt. He wiped his nose with a rough napkin and attempted to warm his fingers over the luke-warm vents. He didn’t know when to go back inside, he just knew he had to eventually. John had left all his presents inside, including the book. Plus, he was Herc and Laf’s ride home.

He was fixing his appearance in his visor mirror when someone knocked on his passenger’s side window. John looked over to see Peggy shivering and quickly unlocked the door.

“Angelica was right, I should’ve worn tights,” Peggy greeted and wrapped her coat tighter around herself.

John gave a meek smile in response. There was silence between them for a minute while Peggy thawed.

“Hey, I know that this is, like, the only time we’ve talked, but I just thought I should let you know that I know,” Peggy said, and John felt a wash of panic.

“Know what?” He asked tentatively.

Peggy gave him a pointed look, “oh c’mon. That you’re in love with Alex, obviously.”

John sighed, “is it really that obvious?”

“Not really,” she answered, “but there’s two things lesbians have down cold: spreadsheets and detecting other people's gay feelings.”

John laughed and realized that he’d truly calmed down since Peggy had started talking to him.

“Anyway, the main reason I came out here is to let you know that Eliza’s serving dessert now, so people won’t make as big of a deal about you coming back inside.” Peggy stated, then got out of the truck and ran back up the driveway, hopping around snowy and icy patches.

John sat in his truck for a minute longer and checked to make sure his face wasn’t splotchy before he followed Peggy.

~

Peggy was right, no one gave him more than a small worried glance or quick smile once he got inside. Maybe it was because his emotions were already a mess, but he was right back to being angry about the fact that Alex wasn’t paying him any attention. John ignored the part of himself that wanted him to stop acting petty and, instead, thoroughly ignored Alex for the next hour.

John sat on the floor rather than next to Alex when everyone went to the living room to watch “How The Grinch Stole Christmas” on TV. He bitterly nibbled a snowflake-shaped cookie and tried not to glance in Alex’s direction. Fifteen minutes into the movie, John’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out to see that he’d gotten a blank message from Alex. John looked over at Alex, who simply jerked his head in the direction of the hallway and stood up.

John hesitated for a moment, then followed him.

Alex only walked halfway down the hallway before he stopped and turned to face him. John opened his mouth to ask what was going on, but got cut off by Alex reaching up and pulling him into a tight hug. It only took a second for John’s icy exterior to break and for him to wrap his arms around Alex’s waist.

As Alexander’s thumb stroked the back of his neck and John held onto the soft fabric of his dark green sweater, he realized he hadn’t wanted Alex to say anything to him all night. John had just needed this.

 

_ ««« rewind ««« _

 

As John opened the front door of the apartment, he felt his muscles relax, his heartbeat slow down, and he finally breathed. The week he’d spent in South Carolina for the holidays had taken a hard toll on him. His father’s constant “friendly” smacks on the back and bigoted remarks had given him a constant headache. John was able to handle the wet kisses on his cheek from his aunts and grandma, but found himself holding his breath every time they mentioned a nice young lady from their church they’d like him to meet.

John thought it was better to suffer through their heteronormative comments, rather than deal with their unasked for homophobic opinions. So despite the fact that he’d known he was gay since he was fifteen years old, not a soul in the state of South Carolina knew.

He’d managed to survive the one week, but lied about when his flight was and left his father’s house at 5 in the morning, even though his flight wasn’t until one in the afternoon. John had slept the whole two hour flight and had to turn the radio up loud on the drive home in order to stay awake, but he didn’t miss the extra four hours he would’ve had to stay in that house.

John expected Alex to be there and happy to see him, but he was nowhere in sight when John came home.

“Alex?” John called as he set his suitcase in his room.

“One second!” Alex replied from his own bedroom. A minute later, Alex walked out of his room, still in the midst of putting on a sweatshirt.

John’s mood immediately lifted, “hey.”

“Hey.” Alex repeated, almost shyly.

John felt it too, the strange sense of space between them. Had one week apart really done that?

“Let me guess, you forgot to shower the whole time I was gone?” John said amusedly and gestured to the dripping ends of Alex’s hair.

He smiled bashfully, “not the whole time...how many days ago was Christmas?”

John snorted, “three.”

“Okay, so yeah, I figured I was in need of one, so I jumped in the shower really quick when I got your text that you were almost home,” Alex said and rubbed his wet hair with a towel.

“Please tell me you’ve at least eaten a good amount each day?” John asked, slipping into his usual fretful state about Alex’s physical health.

“I’m fine, I promise,” he replied and forced John to sit down on the couch, “don’t worry about me, you look exhausted.”

“I am” John managed to say through a yawn.

“Can I get you anything?” Alex asked from the kitchen.

But within the minute or so he’d been laying on the couch, John had already fallen asleep.

~

From the way he felt now, John could hardly believe he’d been in South Carolina just this morning. The chinese food Alex had ordered while he was sleeping had filled him up more than necessary. The hot chocolate he’d just drank while watching reruns of Christmas movies left a sweet taste in his mouth. But most of all, he couldn’t believe Alex was lying on top of him, a blanket spread over both of them and his head resting on John’s chest.

When Alex had left the couch to go to the bathroom a few minutes earlier, John had taken the opportunity to sprawl out across the whole couch. He’d expected Alex to shove his feet aside when he came back to the living room, but instead, he’d simply lifted the blanket and laid down in between John’s legs.

John hoped Alex couldn’t feel how fast his heart was beating, even though his head was resting right against the center of John’s chest.

John tried to act relaxed as he set his hand on Alex’s lower back. Alexander shifted slightly and rested his hand on John’s shoulder.

It was typical of Alex to act this way: bold, almost teasing. It was almost like Alex knew that every time he touched John, it nearly gave him a heart attack. Over the close to three years they’d known each other, Alex had inched closer and closer to John to the point where nearly no boundaries were left for them to break.

Maybe John was making it all up in his head, but he still tried to act as unphased as possible in order to hide any traces of romantic feelings that were clouding their interactions.

John was snapped out of his thoughts when Alex spoke, “John?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m glad you’re home.” Alex whispered.

And just like that, John was helpless again, “me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> (btw, I don't plan to make all aspects of this story historically accurate, so I'm aware that things like Lafayette's mother still being alive isn't correct [i think lmao] but I'm choosing to tweak things like that in order for it to fit the plot)
> 
> Follow me on tumblr @liz-browning
> 
> Comments and kudos are highly appreciated ❤︎
> 
> xx, Liz


	6. Chapter 6: It Hurts to Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's just the way I feel, and I'd be lying if I kept hiding the fact that I can't deal"

Like he felt about most things these days, John was not looking forward to Alex’s bachelor party. Not only did it mark the miniscule week until Alex and Eliza’s wedding, it also involved spending far too much time out in public.

Throughout most of January, John lay in the depressed, but warm comfort of the exact same spot on the couch nearly every day. The only time he paused Netflix or woke up before noon was when he was needed for more wedding preparations.

Even if John had wanted Alex to get married, he still didn’t understand why they were having the wedding so soon. Alex and Eliza had met in June, Alexander had proposed in November, and, now, they were tying the knot in February. John was wasting his life away, he knew that, but February 4th came quicker than he’d expected, and once again, he had to set a too-early alarm and wake up in what was universally considered the morning in order to get ready for that night.

One of the few positives that John’s brain found was that the party was a prime opportunity to get wasted. The thought alarmed him more than it pleased him, since drinking had never been something he looked forward to in such an unhealthy way. He decided then that maybe he would be the DD for that night and live through his unhappiness with nothing to distract him from it.

He suspected that Herc and Laf would try their hardest to set him up with some guy tonight, and John didn’t know whether it was a good or bad thing. The upside of it would be the emotionless sex he’d probably get, but on the other hand, the incident might not be emotionless to the other party involved, and John certainly didn’t have it in him to half-ass a relationship he didn’t care about.

John overthought all of this as he drove to pick up the other three. At a red light, he glanced at himself in the rearview mirror to check his appearance, then shook his head and scolded himself mentally for it. John leaving an extra button on his shirt undone wasn’t going to make Alex fall in love and call off his wedding; he was wasting his own time.

John was working on forcing his lips slowly into a big, fake smile when Laf, Herc, and Alex all walked toward his truck. Thoughts of faking happiness vanished as John fought to tear his eyes away from Alex. He was dressed in  _ very  _ skinny black jeans and a somewhat tight fitting dark green button-down dress shirt. John chewed lightly on the inside of his lip as his eyes followed the way Alex’s ass moved in his jeans as he walked, and a flush creeped up his neck as he felt blood rush to other parts of his body.

John shook dirty thoughts from his mind as Alex climbed in the passenger’s side. John attempted to calm down with the bit of cold air Alex had let in, but lost his cool again when he caught a whiff of Alex’s usual smell mixed with a new hint of cologne he’d never smelled before.

“Hey,” Alex greeted and smiled slightly at John.

John turned his eyes away, fearing that Alex could notice the way his eyes had darkened with lust, “hey.”

As John glanced in his rear view mirror to see if he was clear to merge back into traffic, he caught Lafayette’s eye. He looked back and forth between John and Alex and raised a perfectly-plucked eyebrow suggestively.

Yeah, tonight was gonna be a long night.

~

Alexander was wasted, that was an indubitable fact.

Even though John had basically carried him to the car, it still took them much longer than necessary to get there. Alex continued to mumble the Kendrick Lamar song that had been playing in the club most of the ride to Herc and Laf’s apartment. Once John had dropped the other two, who weren’t nearly as drunk, off, Alex lazily turned his head toward John.

John stifled a laugh as Alex blinked profusely to try and focus his eyes. The outside street-lamp cast a yellow filter across half of Alex’s face, making his skin appear even more olive than it already was. John felt himself slipping into a momentarily zoned-out trance as he stared at Alex’s delicate cheekbones and red, parted lips. He had had only two shots at the beginning of the night, but he doubted that that was the cause of the warm fuzziness in his brain.

John snapped out of his lovesick gazing when he felt Alex’s cold fingers graze his cheek and tuck a stray curl behind his ear. For a few seconds, Alex’s forefinger paused behind John’s earlobe, a spot John knew Alex would be able to feel how fast his pulse was going. However, Alex’s hand moved back to his own side of the car, and the moment was over.

“Let’s get home,” John said almost weakly and shifted his truck to drive.

In slow parts of traffic, John stole more glances at Alex, but quickly looked away whenever Alex dared to do the same to him.

It was more than just Alex’s choice of wardrobe that had John so hot and bothered. It was mostly a result of the few moments Alex had grinded up against him tonight before John had stepped away like Alex had burned him. But it was also, although John didn’t want to admit it, an effect of the fact that John hadn’t even kissed anyone in over eight months and his only release were wet dreams that he dwelled upon for hours. So the desire to pull into a random parking lot and take Alex right then and there in the backseat of his car was stronger than ever.

John attempted to ignore these thoughts as they inched their way through traffic, so he sighed a breath of relief once they made it back to his apartment building.

Alexander continued to mumble slurred lyrics as John half-carried him to the elevator. He kept a tight grip on Alex’s waist the whole ride up because of how much he was swaying. Alex’s breath was hot against as his neck as he drunkenly giggled in John’s ear.

“I miss living here,” Alex stated in a more serious tone than John had expected when he opened the door to the apartment.

“Yeah? Me too.” John replied and kept his hand on the small of Alex’s back as he stumbled sideways with every few steps he took.

Any seriousness he’d had moments earlier vanished when Alex spoke again, “you still live here, silly.”

John shook his head, but chuckled slightly at how much Alex laughed at his own lame joke. Alex continued to stumble and sway as they made their way back to John’s bedroom, and he collapsed onto his back once he made it over to John’s bed.

John began to slowly undress Alex for bed, starting with his shoes. As John untied and removed his shoes, Alex mumbled a mix between a story and a rant.

“And what I’m saying, John, is that I don’t give a  _ shit  _ about anything in the wedding. Venue, color scheme, food, all I care about are the flowers. I say I want daisies and it’s the end of the fuckin’ world!” Alex slurred in various pitches, “They’re all like ‘daisies would be too much white in the wedding,’ well, fuck, there’s too much white in the government, but…”

John tuned out some of the story until he heard his name.

“You would let me have daisies, wouldn’t you, John?” Alex repeated after a few seconds of no response.

John’s fingers froze where they were undoing Alex’s watch. His throat felt dry as he pondered the question. Of all the things John had dreamed up about his and Alex’s imaginary relationship, he’d never mentally settled on their “perfect” wedding. When it came down to it, John would marry Alex in a McDonald’s bathroom if it meant he got to marry Alex, period.

“Yeah, I would.” John replied. Their eyes met and a wide smile formed on Alex’s lips.

John fought a smile as he moved to undo Alex’s belt.

“Whoa, at least take me to dinner first, John.” Alex said, then laughed again like he was the funniest person in the world.

John ignored him, but couldn’t find it in himself to be annoyed at Alex’s drunken behavior. He peeled Alex’s jeans off his legs, proving again just how tight they were. John was halfway through unbuttoning Alex’s shirt when he paused to take in the situation. He glanced up at Alex, whose hair was splayed out against the comforter. Alex made a soft humming noise and bit the corner of his lip, for a reason that John’s mind couldn’t find. John cleared his throat, and his fingers fumbled with the remaining buttons.

“Are you gonna sit up or am I gonna have to do that for you too?” John asked and averted his eyes from Alex’s exposed chest.

As Alex sat up and slipped off his dress shirt, John grabbed one of his own sweatshirts from his closet.

“How’d you know this one was my favorite?” Alex asked as he pulled it on over his head.

The question made John’s heart swell, and the way the sweatshirt was so big on Alex that it nearly slipped off one of his shoulder’s made John remember that it was his own favorite for Alexander to wear, too.

“I’ll be right back,” John said and went to grab the extra pair of pajama pants from Alex’s old room that he’d left in the closet for times like this.

However, when John came back into his own bedroom, Alex had already put on the pair of sweatpants John had set out for himself.

“Those were my only clean pair, asshole.” John joked. Alex smiled sheepishly and yawned into his sleeve-covered hand.

John kept the image in the back of his mind for when he would need it during his next inevitable depressive episode and turned the living room light off. He grabbed the bottle of ibuprofen and a glass of water and headed back to the bedroom. As Alex swallowed a pill, John stripped out of his own jeans and white dress shirt.

He hadn’t been lying when he said the sweatpants Alex was wearing were his last clean pair, so he decided to sleep in nothing but his boxers.

John mentally told himself that he was simply imagining any second that Alex’s eyes lingered on his own naked torso, but the fact still was that Alex was blatantly staring at John’s bare skin with a blush tinting his cheeks.

As John turned off the lamp and climbed into bed next to Alex, he suddenly wished he was back in the frigid February air so that he could find a way to cool himself off. Hot tension was building in the small area of his bedroom where he and Alex currently lay, merely inches apart.

Alex had been struggling to keep his eyes open moments before when the lights were still on. But now, the whites of his wide-open eyes stood out in the darkness. The matching minty scent of both of their breath mingled in the one hundred degree area between their mouths. John was about to roll over to clear his mind and stop himself from doing whatever autopilot action his body chose when he felt Alex’s cool hand reached out and touched John’s chest.

John didn’t move an inch as Alex’s fingers warmed up from the heat of John’s chest. His finger traced over the less prominent curves of John’s stomach muscles. As a result of his lack of exercise and overall lack of movement on top of the crappy food he’d been eating day after day all winter, John’s body wasn’t it used to be. No acknowledgement of this difference was spoken by Alex, however, as he went on his merry way of setting every centimeter of John’s body on fire.

Heat pooled in John’s loins and abdomen as thoughts of ideal scenarios took over his mind. Alex’s index finger traced over John’s collarbone; John imagined Alex pulling his lips to his own by the back of John’s neck. John could nearly feel those very same lips brushing against the muscles Alex’s fingers were currently running down. As Alex’s fingertips travelled further south, John dreamt of him pulling down the waistband of his boxers and-

A cold bucket of water doused John’s mind and snapped him back to the present. Out of momentary impulse, John immediately grabbed Alex’s wrist to halt his movements. Alex let out a gasp that sent a shock through every one of John’s limbs. His eyes popped up to see what he could of Alex in the darkness. He was holding his breath and looked, though John had no explanation for it, turned on in every sense.

John released Alexander’s wrist, pale white marks his fingers had left behind standing out in the darkness.

“John-” Alex started, but stopped as his eyes fluttered shut and he lay back against the pillow.

John felt Alex’s cheek and forehead to make sure he had simply passed out as an effect of the alcohol, which he had, before he rolled away from Alex.

John’s skin felt flushed and he was so hard it hurt, but he still tried to push the previous moment’s events from his mind. However, as he lay still in a failed attempt to fall asleep, the thoughts rushed to his head again, and he found himself drenched in the same heated lust. Non-practical thoughts caused him to stumble out of bed and into the bathroom, where he flipped on the light and dropped his boxers. He found release in the few quick strokes he synced with the whirlwind of images in his mind.

John breathed heavily as he cleaned himself up and reveled in the last of the euphoria from his climax. But as he looked at himself in the mirror, he felt a sense of shame more than anything else. It felt wrong for John’s mind to undress every bit of Alex without him knowing about any of it.

John climbed back into bed, no longer buzzing with energy like before. As he fell into an uneasy sleep, questions about the earlier events continued to cloud his thoughts.

 

_ ««« rewind ««« _

 

John felt good. Really good.

He was buzzed; the drinks he’d had left a sweet taste in his mouth and a warm feeling in every square inch of his body. Alex must have been experiencing the same feeling, for he too was smiling lazily next to John in the backseat of their shared Uber.

They’d been at a party in someone’s dorm. John didn’t know who it was, although he vaguely remembered being introduced to whoever it was by Lafayette. Either way, he got free booze. Alex had been basically attached to him by the hip all night, which John didn’t mind one bit. They’d danced closer than usual during a few of the songs, but nothing big enough happened for John’s thoughts to dwell on.

So John felt happy, more happy than usual, and he didn’t know why.

He and Alex stumbled their way into the elevator after paying the driver and giggled the whole way up. John smiled wider than usual as Alex leaned against him.

John fumbled with the keys for a minute, but felt a sense of relief as he entered their apartment, Alex half-supporting him, John half-supporting Alex. As John poured them two glasses of water, Alexander leaned against the counter next to him. He stared at John with his arms crossed, studying the other man’s face.

“What?” John asked and half-smiled as he took a sip from his glass.

Alex traced his finger along the water droplets on the outside of his cup for a few moments before he spoke. “Do you still want to draw me?”

Like Alex’s expression had sobered a minute earlier, so did John’s. He remembered the awkward conversation they’d had a couple days prior, when John had to uncomfortably explain to Alex what he’d meant when he’d asked Alex to model for a drawing. Alex hadn’t known he’d be modeling naked, so needless to say, he’d politely declined.

But now, John struggled to find an answer to Alex’s question.

“I mean..yeah, but only if  _ you  _ want to…” John answered, stumbling over his words.

Alex nodded.

“Are you sure?” John asked when he remembered both of their current drunken states.

Alex nodded and grinned mischievously. “Where should we do it?”

John’s mouth went dry as Alex continued to talk and act like it was some kind of seduction rather than a drawing session. He told Alex where to lay on the couch and what position to be in so that John wasn’t able to see his..lower region from where he was sitting.

As John retrieved his sketchbook and pencil from his bedroom, the reality of what was about to happen truly hit him. He was going to see Alex  _ naked  _ and stare at him while he just lay there, on the couch, without a scrap of clothing on. Sure he wasn’t going to see any part of Alex that he probably hadn’t already seen, but it still shook John all the way down to his core.

He made sure to look at the floor as he entered the living room again in case Alex wasn’t ready yet. John took his seat at the dining room chair he’d positioned a few meters from the couch. He opened to a fresh page. He adjusted his charcoal pencil in his fingertips. He swallowed before finally looking up.

John’s mind still felt a little fuzzy from the couple of drinks he’d had earlier, but he tried his best to not only focus on his drawing, but also on not making it obvious how nervous he was. He managed to keep his face what he considered to be neutral as he studied Alex.

He started with Alex’s torso and worked his way to the rest of his body from there. John focused on getting the curve of the lines right rather than on the supple curves of Alex’s thighs. He took time to sketch out the details of Alex’s head instead of letting his eyes wander to the details of his happy trail. John’s effort to distract himself only made his fuzzy mind drift to dirty thoughts of Alex.

But within the next moments, another obstacle came along to distract John from his drawing. Alex could not and was not lying still. John didn’t know if it was the situation or if it was because Alexander rarely ever was still for very long, but every few minutes, he would shift his leg or arm the slightest bit. Each movement disrupted the outline John already had sketched out, which pulled on his nerves and frustrated him.

He verbally asked Alex to sit still a few times, but within three minutes or so, he’d be back to shifting his arm to the right or squirming in some way. The more John had to erase and the more smudges muddled his paper, the more annoyed he became. After the fourth time Alex disregarded John’s request for him to stop moving, John finally lost his temper and tossed his sketchbook onto the coffee table.

Alex whipped his head over at the sudden noise as John stood up and walked the few feet over to the couch. John pressed his hand over Alex’s arms-the most recently squirming body part-and looked intensely into his eyes.

“Sit. Still.” John ordered sharply.

Alex blinked in surprise and blushed slightly. He visibly swallowed and whispered, “Sorry.”

The softness of his voice made the tension in John’s brow loosen and he lifted the pressure from his grip on Alex’s forearms. A beat later, he realized the boldness of the move he’d just made and the proximity of the position they were currently in.

He cleared his throat, “Can I touch you?”

Alex’s eyes widened and he opened and closed his mouth a couple times in search of a proper response.

“No, no, not like that, or...down..there.” John rushed to say, “I just..it’s easier for me to draw something if I can feel the actual shape of it.”

Alex hesitated for a moment before he met John’s eyes and nodded.

John positioned Alex’s arms where they’d originally been ten minutes ago, then proceeded to discover the lines and nuances of Alex’s figure. His fingertips lightly traced over the bony edges of Alex’s torso, then traveled up to the sharp lines of his collarbones.

As John let his fingers run over the lump of Alex’s adam’s apple and then follow up to the soft definition of his jawline, a low moan slipped from Alex’s lips. John’s mind snapped out if its creative trance, but he didn’t dare to look up into Alex’s eyes.

“Do you always treat your models like this?” Alex asked softly.

The sentence made John’s lips twitch into a brief smile, but Alex’s flirty tone caused John’s heartbeat to accelerate at an alarming rate.

As he sat back down in his now-too-far-away chair, John’s mind wandered back to Alex’s soft skin and the heat of the previous moment. As he finished up the drawing, he dwelled on the brief moment where he’d had the prime opportunity to close the few inches of space between their lips. As Alex got up and got dressed and they both went to their separate bedrooms, John decided that moments like that were too much for his lovesick heart to handle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, it's uhhhhh.....been a while.
> 
> I'm so so so sorry it's taken me 3 WHOLE MONTHS to upload this chapter. School has left me stressed, tired, and unmotivated to write. There's only one chapter left in this portion of Alex's and John's story, which I will try my best to write and upload within the next week since I currently have a 4 day weekend.
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Follow me on tumblr @liz-browning
> 
> Comments and kudos are highly appreciated ❤︎
> 
> xx, Liz


	7. Chapter 7: I Will Never Be Satisfied

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I remember that night, I just might regret that night for the rest of my days"

John was probably being over-dramatic, but he couldn’t imagine a worse day than this.

Okay, maybe there actually were _much_ worse days in his lifetime, but at that moment, as he pulled his bow tie tight against his tear-choked throat, he felt like his world was ending. He hadn’t even seen Alexander yet, but he knew that the minute he did, his fake demeanor might crumble.

Since that earth shaking November night, he’d been dreading each moment leading up to this one. When he’d have to painfully paste the most dishonest smile on his face as he walked down the aisle with Angelica on his arm. When he’d have to not only maintain that smile throughout the ceremony, but for all of the reception as well.

He didn’t bother to fake a smile as he got ready in the dressing room with Hercules and Lafayette, since he knew they wouldn’t believe an inch of the fake smile for a second. The concerning looks they kept giving him made his temper rise, since he was already struggling to keep his head above water in a pool of self-pity.

“I’m not gonna have a meltdown in the middle of the ceremony, so you can stop.” John snapped after a full five minutes of Herc and Laf whispering to each other and looking at him every few seconds.

“Actually, I think I’m more likely to be the one to have a meltdown,” Alex replied, without missing a beat, as he walked into the room.

John blushed, but forced a laugh since Alex hadn’t questioned why John was on the verge of a meltdown. Once he recovered from the previous moment, he turned back to the mirror and pretended to adjust his collar, but actually took the opportunity to secretly look at Alex.

If Alex had walked into a room in the suit he was wearing back in October, John’s jaw would have dropped all the way to New Jersey and he would’ve needed something to cover his lap with. But today, John felt nothing but an all too familiar hollow sadness soak his body as he took in Alex’s appearance. John knew that Alex didn’t look good for him, he never had.

Throughout most of the past three months, John had barely shed a tear; his depression made him feel numb more than anything else. However, from the moment he’d woken up this morning, he was afraid he would break down sobbing every time he so much as opened his mouth to speak.

Something about today felt like the final demolition of any chance John had ever had with Alex. He didn’t know why he stupidly held onto any hope once Alex started dating Eliza or even after they got engaged. It was completely unhealthy, his fixation on holding onto even the slightest chance that Alex would drop everything to be with him. But there was an extremely bittersweet part of him that would miss those miniscule bits of hope after they were destroyed today.

“John.” At least twenty different people had said his name today, but it only sounded good rolling off of Alex’s tongue.

John snapped out of his zoned-out staring, “Hmm?”

“Can you go ask Angelica if I’m supposed to wear the bow tie or the regular tie? I would just text her, but she made it very clear that no one should text her today in case an emergency came up with the flowers. And I’m pretty sure I _am_ supposed to wear the regular tie, I just don’t want her to kill me if I wear the wrong-”

John put his hand on Alex’s arm to silence his rambling, “I’ve got it, no problem.”

He was grateful for the opportunity to clear his head outside of the stuffy room and get away from Alexander for even just a few minutes. As he walked across to the other side of the church, he felt an uncomfortable tension settle into his shoulders. He felt a sense of displacement as his eyes studied the generically universal features of the church.

John had far from fond memories of church. The gossipy chatter whispered around him, him being forced to talk after the service to a girl, that same girl being the recipient of his wasted and emotionless first kiss.

The wedding. The church. It all made John want to go _home._

He pushed these thoughts to the other side of his mind as he knocked on the door to the girls’ makeshift dressing room. Angelica answered, her face flushed and stressed.

“Oh, it’s just you, John.” She greeted and slipped out of the room.

“Yeah. Alex wanted me to double check which tie he’s supposed to wear.”

Angelica rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over the front of her light pink dress, “Tell him for the eighth time to wear the regular, dark blue tie.”

John forced a laugh, “Got it.”

He turned to go, but was stopped when she spoke again, “John, wait.”

“What?” He asked and sounded more tired than he’d intended to.

“Are you alright?” She asked, and John’s heart stopped.

“Yeah, why?” He answered carefully.

Angelica opened her mouth to begin to say something, but then sighed, tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, and said honestly, “Look, I’m just gonna cut the crap. I know and..Eliza knows too.”

John felt like the wind had been knocked out of him as he managed to say, “What do you mean ‘you know’?!”

“We know how you...feel about Alex.” She replied and smoothed down the sides of her dress in an anxious manner.

John fumbled with his words, “How do-did Peggy tell you? What-”

“Peggy didn’t tell us anything. Well, we were talking about it one night, and Peggy’s a terrible liar, and I mean it’s pretty obvious, John.” She said as John continued to struggle to breathe. “Obvious to everyone but Alex, of course.”

“Okay, fine, you know. Why are you telling me all this? To rub it in my face that everyone is acutely aware of how I’m in love with Alex, except him? In case you haven’t noticed, Angelica, I’m _really_ not in the mood for that to be made any more obvious.” John snapped.

The sympathetic look in Angelica’s eyes immediately changed to a narrowed look of defense, “I’m not trying to rub it in your face, John, I was just trying to be a decent fucking person and tell you that I’m here if you need anything. In fact, I probably wouldn’t even have to tell you that if you’d get out of your own little pity party for more than five minutes and notice that everyone has been here for you for _months!”_

That shut John up.

Angelica sighed and composed herself again, “Just remember to tell Alex to wear the blue tie.”

With that, she stepped swiftly back into the dressing room and closed the door behind her.

~

Alex was nervous, which was nothing new.

John watched out of the corner of his eye as Alexander fidgeted with his tie and put his hands in his pockets, then took them back out again. An extremely petty and mean part of his brain told him to leave Alex as he was, so that maybe some part of the wedding would go wrong as a result. John immediately felt guilty after thinking this and stepped out of his corner of solitude to go see Alex.

Of course right as he did this, Hercules, Lafayette, and Eliza’s father all left the room, leaving John alone with Alex, who was currently adjusting his tie in the mirror.

“Stop that,” John said softly as he approached Alex.

Alexander looked up in the mirror and made eye contact with John and blushed. “I just, it’s crooked and-”

“Turn around.” John gently commanded. Alex did as he said and turned to face John.

John tugged at Alex’s tie until it was loose enough for him to untie and then started over the process of tying it around Alex’s neck.

“Sorry.” Alex whispered, his minty breath fanning the small space between them.

Alex’s big eyes looked up and made contact with John’s for a brief moment. John’s lips twitched up into a weak smile as he quickly looked back down and concentrated on tightening his tie the rest of the way.

“John. are you okay-”

“There, you’re all set,” John was quick to cut off Alex’s question with a big, fake smile, “you ready to go?”

Alex gave John a funny look before nodding and following him out of the room.

~

Without realizing it until it was too late, a single tear slipped out of the corner of John’s eye.

Everything in the ceremony had gone smoothly and as planned. Angelica, Peggy, and one of Eliza’s friends had accompanied John, Hercules, and Lafayette, respectively, down the aisle to where Alex waited at the altar. John had looked straight past Alex’s face and walked directly to his position behind him. After Eliza’s cousins walked before her as the flower girl and ring bearer, Eliza made her entrance, dressed in a simple white gown with light blue accents and looking as beautiful as ever. John tried to tune out as much of their vows as possible, seeing as he’d basically heard all of Alex’s vows to Eliza rambled out at some point within the last eight months.

It wasn’t until the priest said that Alex could kiss Eliza that John truly felt himself zone into the moment and felt his heart freeze in his chest. He thought back to Alex’s drunken question of if John would let him have daisies at their wedding, and how John had thought about how he’d never truly imagined what his and Alex’s wedding would be like. But he could imagine it all clear as day in that moment: neither John nor Alex would be wearing a full suit, they’d be on a beach somewhere, John would save his true vows for later that night when he’d whisper them against Alex’s skin in bed, and John wouldn’t even wait for permission to sweep Alex off of his feet in a kiss.

It was this perfect, blissful thought that caused a single tear to slip out of John’s eye, a soft smile on his lips. He hoped that if anyone noticed it, they would just think it was a tear of happiness for his best friend. But the split second of eye contact he made with Eliza as she turned to walk hand-in-hand with Alex back down the aisle said that it didn’t come off that way in the slightest bit.

John exited the altar with Angelica on his arm and avoided not only her look of concerns, but the looks aimed at him from Laf, Herc, Peggy, and what seemed like every other person at the wedding. He dodged their attempts to ask him the inevitable question of if he was okay on the ride over to the venue and instead made his way quickly to the bar once they arrived.

The rum and coke he downed had about the same effect as a glass of water would have, considering it did nothing to ease the aching in his chest or the oceans of tears welling beneath the surface of his crumbling façade. John hoped and prayed that Alexander would be so caught up in greeting all of his guests that he wouldn’t have time to wander into John’s lonely corner of the room.

But it was just his luck that not even five minutes passed before Alex was walking John’s way. John quickly downed the rest of his second drink and tried to paint on the exhausting act of happiness that he’d worn for months now.

“I know it’s probably rude, but I don’t know half of these people, and I’m already tired of answering the same questions of how Liza and I met, so I’m gonna crash your private party for a while over here.” Alex said as he sat on the bar stool next to John.

Even the use of a nickname for Eliza made John’s face twitch in pain for a moment.

“Oh, so I’m the second choice now, huh?” John had meant for the phrase to come off as light hearted and humorous, but too much pain filtered the words, which caused Alex’s face to change in concern.

“No, John, I didn’t mean it like-” Alex rushed to say.

John cut him off with a smile that came off more like a grimace, “I was kidding, Alexander.”

He awkwardly tilted back his glass, despite the fact that only a drop rolled onto his tongue, and an awkward silence settled between them.

John cleared his throat, “So-”

“John, are you okay?” The question was abrupt and sudden. John had been asked this countless times over the past nine months, but never in the way Alex had asked him. The question wasn’t asked in a way that made it same like whoever asked it saw right through his act, instead it sounded like Alex was waiting for him to confess all of the things that were clearly bothering him. John wanted to, he wanted to say so badly, “Hey, Alex, I’ve been in love with you for four years now, and the fact that you just married someone other than me is kind of killing me.” But if he said that, he’d ruin what should be one of the best days of Alex’s life, and John couldn’t do that.

To make matters worse, Alexander then put his hand on John’s knee as he waited in concern for an answer. For some reason, panic rose in his chest. He didn’t know if it was because he was afraid that if he opened his mouth, nothing but the truth would come out, but in that moment, John knew he had to get out of there.

John cleared his throat, but his voice still came out squeakier than he would have liked, “Actually, I’m not feeling that great. I’ve got an awful headache, and I hate to do this, but is it okay if I head back to the hotel early?”

They hadn’t even cut the cake yet or had their first dance yet. Disappointment flashed across Alex’s face for a brief moment before his lips turned up in a poor attempt at an understanding smile. “Yeah, yeah, that’s fine. Just um try and get some rest and..yeah, feel better.”

There were just enough “yeah”s in Alex’s response to make John feel like the worst friend in the world. But a part of him knew that if he stuck around much longer, he couldn’t be held accountable for any public breakdowns.

“I’m sorry, Alex, I-”

“No, no, it’s fine. Thank you for all your help with all this.” Alex said and gestured to the whole room, a content smile on his lips.

“Okay, well, I’ll see you back at the hotel at some point.” John said and turned to go. Alex didn’t stop him or say anything further, which strangely disappointed him.

~

The uber John had taken back to the hotel gave him a moment to breathe, but oddly enough, not a single tear fell. Although the thought concerned him, the minute he saw the hotel bar, he felt an automatic sense of relief.

Four drinks later, John’s body felt warm and relaxed. His thoughts were still filled with nothing but Alex, but his heart hurt slightly less. His mind kept circling back to nine months ago, when he was able to openly flirt with Alex, when any moment of slight intimacy gave John a surge of hope instead of guilt and sadness. And of course John couldn’t forget the moment that had clouded his mind every single day since it happened, the moment when his feelings actually felt reciprocated.

 

_««« rewind «««_

 

The air was thick and humid, people all around John were drunk and grinding too close to him, but worst of all this was the fact that Alex was no longer by his side and was instead talking to a girl over by the bar. Maybe it was because of the fact that he was well past tipsy, but John didn’t do a thing to conceal the red-hot jealousy masking his face.

Since the first beach outing fiasco with Alex, their Florida vacation had only gotten better. Daily trips to the beach or the pool and the long walk on the boardwalk the night before with just the two of them had made John wish the trip could go on forever. Tonight was the last night before they headed home, so they’d decided to hit the local bar down the street from their hotel.

Alex was a lightweight, so two shots in, he was tipsy and happy as could be. It’d taken John a few more drinks to reach that state, but once he did, he wasn’t able to separate himself from Alexander. During every song that played, Alex found a way to grind up on John in some way, which left his brain fuzzier than the alcohol had.

An hour into their endeavor, however, Alex had wandered to the bathroom, and when he came back, he’d sidled right up to the girl he was still talking to now. She looked nice enough to John; she was a bit shorter than Alex, Asian, and constantly had a bright smile on her face.

John wanted nothing more than to walk up to the two of them and pull Alex away from her.

But after a few more minutes of them chatting, Alex made his way back over to John, but not without kissing her on the hand before he walked away. The kiss made John’s blood boil as he tightly gripped the glass of water he’d just asked the bartender for.

John ignored Alex as came over and leaned against the bar next to him.

“Her name’s Eliza, by the way.” John grunted in response and sipped some more of his water.

Alex continued to speak as if he didn’t notice John’s lack of enthusiasm, “Apparently she’s from the Manhattan area too, and she’s down here for a graduation trip-”

“No offense, Alex, but I don’t give a shit.” John gulped down the rest of his water and slammed the glass down harder than he intended. He waited for a pissed off, quick response from Alex, but Alex didn’t say anything. When John turned his head to look at him, Alex had a mischievous grin dancing on his lips.

“Are you _jealous,_ John?” Alex drawled.

John opened his mouth to quickly deny what Alex had suggested, but instead found himself replying, “And so what if I am?”

His response shocked Alex. John smirked and walked back to the center of the crowded floor, knowing that Alex would follow him.

“Why?” Alex asked as he quickly followed behind John.

John stopped and turned around, which caused Alex to almost collide with his chest. John raised his eyebrows and looked down at him, “Why what, Alexander?”

“Why are you jealous?” Alex replied and attempted to look unfazed by their proximity and John’s boldness.

John snickered before he suddenly grabbed Alex’s belt loops and pulled him flush against him. John put his lips close to Alex’s ear, “You know _damn well_ why I’m jealous.”

Alexander shivered and pulled back slightly to look up at John. For once, he didn’t speak. John’s hands traveled up Alex’s shirt to rest just below his waistline and he heard him sharply inhale.

“ _John._ ” His name came out of Alex’s mouth as a gasp.

Alex was inches away from John’s lips when John suddenly pulled back.

“Let’s get out of here.” John whispered between them.

Alexander nodded adamantly as John grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the bar’s entrance. The air outside was only slightly cooler than that of the bar, but it still sobered John up and made him realize what he’d just done and what they were about to do. He’d never been this bold before, but he didn’t regret it.

Luckily, their hotel wasn’t even a full block down from the bar, so it seemed like no time at all before they were stumbling into the elevator. Alex hadn’t been able to keep his hands off of John the whole walk over, which was the best problem John had ever had to deal with. But as they rode up the elevator, John found a part of himself itching to pin Alex’s hands against the wall to stop his hungry movements.

“Alex, I’m not gonna kiss you for the first time in an elevator with a camera pointed right at us, so keep your hands to yourself until we get to the room, got it?” John ordered through clenched teeth as he reached down to grip Alex’s wrist tightly.

When their eyes met, Alex swallowed and nodded obediently, but a hint of playfulness still danced in his dark eyes. When the elevator finally dinged when they reached their floor, John nearly dragged Alex to the room he was moving so quickly.

He fumbled with the room key, but the minute he opened the door and got Alex inside, he immediately turned around and practically pinned him against the back of the door. John breathed heavily as Alex just stared at him for a few moments. _You’re about to kiss Alexander, after almost four years, you’re going to finally do it,_ his mind yelled at him.

John swallowed and studied Alex’s face for a brief moment. He looked almost nervous, which made John remember the tight grip he had on his arms.

“I love you,” John breathed out before he finally took Alex’s face in his hands and brought his lips to his own.

It was better than John could have ever imagined. Alex’s lips were warm and soft against his own as the hint of fresh stubble on his chin rubbed against John’s jaw. Alex’s hands gripped at John’s waist as John’s fingers slipped into Alex’s hair. John didn’t hear fireworks, but it felt like his body was going to burst he felt so full.

When they finally broke away for air, Alex’s cheeks were flushed and his hair was a mess from where John’s fingers had carded through it seconds earlier. Alex smiled widely before he reached up, wrapped his arms around John’s neck, and pulled him back down to his mouth.

John hoisted Alex up against the door as his legs wrapped around his waist. When their lips reconnected, John’s tongue slipped into Alex’s mouth and a moment later, his tongue did the same. John could taste the last hints of lime from the shot Alex had had earlier, and it was a taste he could become addicted to.

John was quick to carry Alex over to their bed, but didn’t break their kiss for a second. Alex giggled against John’s mouth as they fell back onto the mattress.

John pulled back after a few more minutes of tangled legs and tasting Alex’s sweet mouth, “Holy shit, I’ve waited so long for this.”

Alex blushed at this but smiled softly. His right hand caressed John’s cheek and his other reached around to pull the hair tie out of John’s curls.

“C’mon,” John whispered and crawled further up the bed with Alex.

John was in awe when he paused to take in the image of Alexander laying against the pillows, his hair splayed out on either side of his face, and his pinks lips slightly swollen from their kiss. He looked like an angel. John exhaled as Alex’s fingers traveled up his thighs. But when his hands found their way close to his belt, John gently stopped him.

“Let’s save that for when we’re sober,” John said, and Alex whined, but his hands didn’t go any further.

Instead they just layed there for what seemed like hours. Their shirts and pants found their way off, but nothing further happened. Occasionally, John’s lips would travel down to Alex’s neck, and Alex’s hands would run over John’s torso. But no matter how many times their lips connected, no matter how intense or soft the kiss was, John still couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe Alexander was finally his.

 

_»»» flash forward »»»_

 

How wrong John had been. That night, they’d drifted to sleep in each other’s arms, but the following morning, Alexander didn’t remember any of it. Well, he did remember some of the night; he’d remembered Eliza. So John had never reminded Alex. Since the minute he told John that he couldn’t remember anything about the night before except the girl he’d met, John’s heart had never been the same.

So, as John gulped down another drink-he’d lost count at this point-at the hotel bar, he wished that he could be like Alexander and forget that night. Because nothing in his life had ever left him so unsatisfied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh jeez, it's been a while! After ten months of me being unmotivated or too busy to write this, I'm back! I'm so, so sorry about the long wait, and just to be frank with you all, I can't promise that the epilogue for this will be up soon because school starts back for me in two days and the last chapter is gonna be looooong! However, my goal is to finish this story before the year ends!
> 
> As always, thank you so much for your patience, kudos, and comments!
> 
> Follow me on tumblr @liz-browning
> 
> xx, Liz


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